Crazy, but the cool kind.

Moving Day

2009-12-24T08:28:00.004-05:00

A new blog.

The fork in the road.
They come up right?
I'm at one.
So I'm going towards the sun.
Cause it's what I worship.
Besides Sugary Nativity sets.
If you want to know where, e mail me.
If not.
See ya later.
xoxo

The Owl And the Pussycat, I Mean Duck. Or Whatever

2009-12-17T21:44:00.008-05:00

Saige and I saw an owl today. I believe all bird of prey sightings are auspicious. I could ramble on and on about the moments in my life that an eagle has flown over me. Hawks are rather common around us. When my little Pomeranian (alien) was a puppy they used to circle him while my two German Shepherds would run around barking and going ballistic. So I don't take every hawk sighting as a sign, it's just a not so gentle reminder that sweet little bunnies and small fluffy aliens should probably beware. Perhaps I should take them a little more seriously...

Owls aren't as easy to come by. They are night creatures so to see them during the day is special in it's own right. Saige and I were driving to pick up her friend. All of the sudden she said very excitedly, "There's an owl on that dress!" I turned and saw one of those big metal towers that did actually look like a dress and right on one of the bars was a beautiful white headed owl with the lightest brown wings. It was so cool. I did a very quick, very illegal turn and tossed Saige my camera. She ran out in the freezing cold in a short sleeve shirt and these weird fluffy moccasins she wears and went to take it's picture. She moved a little to fast and it flew away. Although we were a little bummed it was beautiful to watch.

There are many thoughts on owl sightings. It is said that an owl sighting is like a gift being given to you. It is said that you can only come across animals with the same energy as you in that moment so the timing of seeing one of these birds means something special. Owls also show themselves at as a sign of warning. They are very perceptive and are a reminder for you to be aware too. To be conscious of the people around you. To remember that not everyone is what you think they are. To be careful.

I was the most trusting of people. This past year as given me a whole new perception of human nature. This Monday night was the light switch for me. It was the day I realized that some people are just out for themselves. I had seen it coming but kept pushing it off. I didn't listen to my friends and family or myself for that matter. I believed and trusted in the good I felt must be deep down. It was sad letting that go for good. It was sad realizing that there was no turning back. Some things can't be undone.
So seeing that owl, and especially having my very wise Saige be the one to point it out meant a lot to me. Especially this week, in this time of my life.
To me it is like the quote at the top of my blog. "There are two people inside of me- me and my intuition. If I go against her, she'll screw me every time, if I follow her, we get along quite nicely." -Kim Basinger
Listen to your intuition.
You always know.
If it look likes a duck, and smells like a duck, it must be a duck.
It's certainly not an owl.

Owls are special. Ducks, not so much.

Maybe You Can Help...

2009-12-14T20:18:00.003-05:00

I realize that I can be slightly odd. I have quirks. I tend not to notice them until they are brought to my attention. I had a friend raise a few questions about my life. I am wondering if you guys could help...

A List Of Mysteries...

1. What IS Mickey?
2. Why doesn't Amy know anything about Philadelphia?
3. Does the oven work?
4. Who really fought at the Battle of Chester Creek?
5. Why wasn't Lisa at lunch today?
6. How many nativity sets are there in West Chester?
7. How does Lucy always get into the food and garbage?
8. Seriously, what is Mickey?
9. How did I get out of moving the big chair from Meredith's house?
10. Does Saige love her new pony?
11. What is Jason thinking when he has to hold Sue's hair back?
12. Why does Amy have to rub Chipolte in my face by making me drive by it all the time?
13. Who's ashes are in those urns and I am next?
14. Does Nancy believe Amy really "forgot" to make the salad?
15. Why are there so many toothbrushes?
16. What would happen if I knocked over the Christmas tree at Oriental Pearl?
17. What does mangry mean?
18. If the pilgrims fought the indians at the Battle of Chester Creek then who was in the bloody Battle of Ridley Creek?
19. How ever will Amy get to Rachel's to get her hair done?
20. Why does she think my messenger bag is a murse and would it hurt very much to be hit with it?
21. Why do so many people discriminate against the Beige race?
22. How has Amy never lost a mirror backing into the garage?
23. Why bother having water bowls for the dogs when the toilet bowls seem to be working just fine?
24. Speaking of dogs (allegedly) what the hell IS Mickey?
25. If all Christmas trees were pink, would Amy want a green one?

But Mom, I Love Him

2009-12-10T06:49:00.004-05:00

Thank God it's not Saige saying that...yet.

For now it's a friend of mine. A very dear, a very sweet, a very wonderful friend. Her tales of dating though, frankly, just scare me. She actually has a blog where she gives a play by play of the freaks (no offense honey) that she dates. It is astonishing. Number one, she is beautiful, not in a way of, "Oh, my friend is beautiful." She is flat out gorgeous. She's a yoga teacher for Gods sake. That has to count for something. She is young, only thirty. Remember thirty? No? Oh well, who the hell wants to be thirty anyway? Okay, back on track. She is newly divorced and dating for the first time in over ten years.

There are a host of kooky contenders. There is the guy she she had the two most perfect dates in her life with but then just disappeared basically. We refer to him as "Summer Breeze." From then on she no longer would date men with two nipple rings and/or a Vespa. There was the really nice guy that ended up having a secret love child with his nanny. That's fun! Then there was the guy that made awful smells on date one. Oh the list goes on and on.

My all time favorite is the most recent though. When she first met him she was describing him to me. Good looking, check, divorced, check, five kids, ch... "Wait! I'm sorry, did you say five kids?"
"Well, only three of him are biologically his, but he loves the other two like they are," she explained.
"Dump him," I instructed.
"What? I really like him, we have a connection," she said so dreamily it almost broke my heart.
"Yeah, whatever. Dump. His. Ass," I said, this time much more sternly.
"But Amy, I think this could be the one," she pleaded.
"He's got five kids. I don't care how great he is. You need to dump him or buy a mini van for when it's YOUR weekend. I don't see that happening so let's just end this now and get rid of him," I said again, very harshly, but she expects that from me.

Fast forward to now, four weeks later. It's not working out. He has a host of other issues, not even pertaining to his half a soccer team. It has been a bit of a roller coaster but the tell tale sign was when he suddenly listed his Facebook status as "Complicated." That's pretty much the kiss of death. So yesterday she was waiting for him to come over so they could officially break up. I for one, was thrilled. I don't mean to sound like a bitch but five kids is way to many to take on. It's seems stupid, unless you have five of your own, a dog named Tiger and a slave named Alice.
I was kind (just so you know Billy!) and I said, "It's okay Honey, you'll meet someone else." And that's when those words came. The words that I am so dreading to hear from my very own twelve year old daughter in a few years, although I know inevitable when she is talking about some guy who is just soooo wrong. "But Mommmmmm, I really LOVE him..."
Uh, yeah.

Pink Eye Is the New Blue Eye (And A Dead Cat)

2009-12-06T19:16:00.007-05:00

Or at least for me it is. Which sucks. I don't think I have ever had pink eye before. It's odd that I don't like it given my affinity for the color pink but I find that I really dislike it. Billy, is it something you would like or dislike?

My friend Lisa and I went to a training for this really cool circus stuff to teach kids up in New York City. It was a lovely studio but I am quite sure some little rug rat had pink eye and smooshed it all over the place and then I touched it and inadvertently rubbed my eye and voila! Pink eye for Amy. I of course didn't understand last night why my eyes were tearing so much. I thought it was because Lisa's husband told a very funny story over the phone that made me laugh so hard that I thought my kids could hear me back in PA.

Lisa had the flu.
We were quite an attractive couple while we hunted and gathered through Union Square this afternoon...

It was about 33 degrees and we were all bundled up while we walked around looking for interesting things. We found the coolest jewelry. And anyone who knows us knows that shiny objects can stop us dead in our tracks. These objects were particularly fetching. I saw a necklace with all these little charms on it. One charm was a little switchblade. I know it sounds weird, but it was so cool, man. I called Lisa over (who was desperately in need of something cool cause she had just purchased the four dorkiest doll jewelry holders that I have ever seen, she actually let me lose her at the street fair for a few minutes cause she didn't want me to see her buying them, knowing what my reaction would be.

So I said, "Lisa, come over here. Look at this stuff. You're gonna love it."
Then, this very cool looking character with the best accent says, "I made that all. Is all my work." (that r in work was totally rolled with his Spanish accent). Lisa got all bright eyed and bushy tailed suddenly. "That necklace is so cool, but I don't think you could get on a airplane with it though." She was referring to the little knife "charm".
"Oh yes you could, " says the killer accent, "You just close it up, see, (as he demonstrates) like a switch blade and you tell no one!."
Lisa was sold!
"What does it say on the back of that other charm?" I asked.
"Is from a song I wrote, it sayz, 'if you ever loved me like you did a dead cat I would still rather be with someone that looked like you.'"
This just keeps getting better. I don't even get that but I don't think I could possibly love it anymore.
Lisa was completely mesmerized.
She bought the necklace.
She just better not put it anywhere near that gay ( I mean straight) jewelry holder.

Pleased with ourselves we decided to move on to Barbounia for one last bit of baba ganoush before we headed home. On the way there we got to see a part of a Matt Damon movie being filmed on 6th Ave. All the extras and the movie guys and a little chase scene, we thought.

It was a good day! Pink eye, the flu, a dead cat, and all.

Pink Is the New Green

2009-12-03T21:02:00.004-05:00

I love fake Christmas trees. It's the truth. I'll be the first to admit it. I have one that I have had for like 6 years. I think I vaguely remember writing about it before. We call it the Charlie Brown Christmas tree. That's what it reminds me of. I love it so much I can barely stand it. Every year, the day after Thanksgiving I drag it up from the basement. The branches scrap the walls on the way up. Usually I forget it is in three different parts and inevitably one falls off along the way. I have to take a rest in the foyer and revaluate how I am going to smoosh it through the door way. Then I have to straighten out the branches and string it up with lights.
It's a tradition.
So I did that. It's up. It's decorated with pretty white lights and only Santa ornaments because I decided a few years ago that is how it should be and I can be slightly psychotic about projects.

However. This year I got a new idea. I saw this beautiful white Christmas tree in a beautiful store in a beautiful place and decided that I was bored with my Charlie Brown Christmas tree. I decided I wanted a hot pink Christmas tree. I love hot pink.

Saige and her friend Becky and I hit many stores trying to find a hot pink tree. No luck, Chuck. Then while we were in New York we saw one in a store and Saige and Chase ran in to ask how much it was. Not for sale. So sad.

So I just spray painted a little one that I already had. I decided to love it. Still, I longed for a fluffy hot pink tree.

Fortunately for me, apparently Saige is even more relentless than me. She called her father. She put him on a mission. She told him he could get any old tree and they would just paint it. It was so simple. He bought a 4 ft. green one and found that no amount of spray would ever really make it pink. They had to trash it. Poor fake green tree. That's what you get for being green.

Finally they found a light pink one. On a secret mission they brought it to our house. She made sure I was safely tucked inside while she sprayed it hot pink. She got so excited spraying it that Marc ended up with a hot pink arm.

She ushered me with closed eyes outside. She was so proud. It already had lights attached! It was like the angels were singing a song from above. It was the sweetest thing ever. I love it way better than some big fluffy real pine tree that would tip over and stain my rug with it's water and would drop pine needles all over the floor and then be a hassle to get outside.
No tree had to die for my happiness. Well, actually a fake tree did.

And Then She Was Twelve...

2009-12-01T21:59:00.005-05:00

Time flies.
Years pass by like seconds.
My daughter is my height.
Last night she told me she didn't like the middle name I gave her.
I told her she could change it.
We looked up online how to change a child's name legally.
Don't call her Saige Delaney anymore. Call her Saige Love (for now).
I don't argue with her.
I know better than that.
I call her Saige Love.
I love her.
Unconditionally.
With all my heart.
She just showed me her phone screen saver.
It says, "I'm a lover not a fighter but I'll fight for what I love."
Yes.
All day, everyday.
She has always gotten "it."
I love her.
And admire her.
She has the kindest soul I have ever had the good fortune of knowing.
She shines like a star.
I'm not just saying that cause she is mine.
Ask anyone.
I love her.
In yoga there is a saying you say at the end of every practice, "The light in me recognizes the light in you."
I can actually see the light in her.
Every single day.
She understands right from wrong.
She stands up for what she believes in.
She does not back down.
Eleven years and eleven months ago I was in the hospital in labor with her.
She is still eleven now.
Not much longer.
Things seemed so much simpler then.
I have never been thankful for anything more than that night.
Every second of it.
And the next morning.
Cause she chose me.
My little girl.
My daughter.
Is twelve.
Oh dear.
Mom, this is your fault.

A Stick A Butta, A Quart A Milk and A Loaf A Bread

2009-11-30T19:04:00.005-05:00

Well, really just the milk. You would think by the number of times I have recited this Fat Albert quote I might have learned something. If you can't learn from Fat Albert you better pray for School House Rock. I really thought I did learn but I seem to have spaced out some apparently relatively simple information.
This is how it went down.
There was no organic fat free milk left at Target which went right up my ... my something or other. I was suitably annoyed by this and figured I would leave there and go straight to the grocery store and just get it. But in the twelve hours I had been in Target grocery shopping it had started freezing rain. My fingers were already tingling because they had lost all the blood in them and I was in the need of some hot water. The grocery store was going to have to wait.

Fast forward to after picking up Saige (twice) at lip sync practice. Don't even get me started on how many required practices there are for lip sync, that's a whole other blog post.
We still needed milk. We decided to go to Swiss Farms, Swiss Farms is a drive through market. It is genius. So we get to the drive through and the guy comes out all friendly.
"Would you like to see the specials?" Swiss Farm guy asks.
"No thanks. Do you have fat free organic milk?" I ask.
"I've got organic milk and I've got fat free milk but I don't have organic fat free milk," he says.
"Okay, just give me the small container of fat free," I say.
"We have it in a quart and a gallon," he says.
"Okay great, give me the small one," I repeat.
"The quart or the gallon?" he says again. (What is up with this guy???)
"Whichever one is smaller," I say stupidly.
"The quart?" he asks while he looks at me like I have three heads.
"I guess so," my fingers are cold. Just give me the god damn milk. God.
Saige groans in the back seat, "He's gonna think you're an idiot!" she says.
"I think that ship has sailed, Baby," I say.
"How could you not know which is smaller?" she looks at me like she can't believe it.
"I don't know. I told him I wanted the littler one. I don't know why he had to keep questioning me!"
"God Mom."
Right?
At least I'm not Darrin.

Hide, Seek, and Some Housewives

2009-11-30T05:58:00.007-05:00

This weeks Sunday adventure was a delicious home made dinner of sushi and pizza with the gorgeous Asude, her very sportsy husband Jason and lovely daughter Jade.

There was a big game of hide and seek going on. I love to watch games from the outside. Each kid was so different in the game to see what part of people's personality comes out. Jade was the seeker a lot, she was good natured about it and didn't cheat when she was counting, she over looked some of the really sneaky spots in the beginning but never gave up and eventually would find them. Saige was a really good hider. She was barely ever the seeker. She would find the most clever spots and then move after the seeker had been in that room. Wiley little rascal. Now Chase, Chase was a good hider on his own but after he saw Saige's spots he would give them a try. He sometimes counted a little to quickly and in the end, when Jade couldn't find Saige he made sure she did. Hmmm... personality or sibling rivalry? Or just pesky little brother?

Every Sunday night Chase and I snuggle up and watch Desperate Housewives together. He really likes that show! He knows all the plot lines and the characters. Every once in a while we might miss a part and he has questions. This is what watching tv with him is like.
"Why are they both in Jail?"
"Who do you think attacked Julie?"
"Can you flip someone like that?"
"Wasn't she married to him?"
"He's depressed."
"Will they be friends again?"
"Look! she has a mini cooper. You love mini coopers."

And so on and on.

If there is a tv show that I like to watch, it is my habit to dvr it and then start watching it twenty minutes in so I don't have to watch any commercials. Last night we started from the beginning. We had to watch all the commercials. I swear to God this is true. Chase says, "I like to watch with the commercials." "You do?" I asked him, "Why?" He said, "It gives us some time during the show to discuss what is happening. Okay, let's go over what we know. Susan found out about Bree and her ex husband. Lynette is going to sue her boss, Julie doesn't want to date that boy because she was with his dad and Mike is really mad at the red haired lady."

Twist, how many homeschooling credits do I get for this?

Reasons To Be Thankful

2009-11-25T09:21:00.036-05:00

It's the day before Thanksgiving. Everyone I know is scurrying around like little mice getting their Thanksgiving dinners ready.
I am thankful I have never made a Thanksgiving dinner in my life.
I am thankful that both my children are sleeping soundly on their first day off from school for Thanksgiving vacation.
I am thankful I get to see my brother Chris tomorrow.
I am thankful I get to see one of my best friends on the whole earth, Suzy this weekend.
I am thankful that my gorgeous daughter is finally realizing how amazing she is.
I am thankful for my adorable, "yes man" son. Eddie Haskal, Baby.
I am thankful for Lisa's enthusiasm over everything.
I am thankful for the Rodin statue.
I am thankful for my yoga girls, young and not so old.
I am thankful I talk to BA daily even though she's in Istanbul.
I am thankful for my Friday night dates with Asude.
I am thankful for charms, markers, pastels, and paints.
I am thankful for LYTB.
I am thankful for Billy's 11 point word in Boggle.
I am thankful for Hennyson and his dislike for self help.
I am thankful my dog hasn't had a seizure today.
I am thankful for Christina and her stories.
I am thankful for tattoo's and piercings.
I am thankful for the indians.
I am thankful for my Sima.
I am thankful Christy liked Sue and I.
I am thankful there is not a dead giraffe in my house.
I am thankful that someone invented handstands.
I am thankful for hair dye and those who apply it correctly, Rachie.
I am thankful that Saige is Saige. Sooo Saige.
I am thankful that I'm left handed (it makes me better than all the right handed people and the Catholics -:))
I am thankful for Twist even though she won't just drop back already.
I am thankful for feather trees.
I am thankful for the entire state of Colorado.
I am thankful for picking four winners.
I am thankful for Pinochle.
I am thankful that Mike the IT guy hasn't broken my toaster.
I am thankful for music.
I am thankful for coffee.
I am thankful for my Mommy.
I am thankful for Kas.
I am thankful that Micker follows me everywhere.
I am thankful for the pretty tree that blooms out my window in Spring.
I am thankful for Spring.
I am thankful for my sweet Lucy.
I am thankful I saw Amy order three desserts.
I am thankful for the Lincoln Tunnel (even when it's hard to get to)
I am thankful for Kathy and her red wagon and her song comments.
I am thankful for Brother John. I hope he has a nice Thanksgiving.
I am thankful for the sun.
I am thankful for the Perfect Petal and it's pretty things.
I am thankful that Ba and Lale dance to Imagine every night.
I am thankful for Balderdash.
I am thankful that Ashie has a boyfriend.
I am thankful I knew Mom Mom.
I am thankful I can PLAY with Lisa and Christina daily.
I am thankful for the color hot pink.
I am thankful for stickers. I like them.
I am thankful for my fairy God children.
I am thankful for my son's laugh.
I am thankful for my chiropractor.
I am thankful for Turkey. The country and the bird.
I am thankful for Winston.
I am thankful for hummus.
I am thankful for Sue's boots and the wonderful Roanne.
I am thankful that the Amish like volleyball.
I am thankful for the smell of lavender.
I am thankful for my Love books.
I am thankful for free street parking in NYC.
I am thankful for NYC.
I am thankful for my kids report cards.
I am thankful for this chair. It's all I need.
I am thankful that the bartender from Teca did Lisa's laundry.
I am thankful for calla lilies.
I am thankful for my Pixie girls.
I am thankful for Target.
I am thankful I still have my dad's baby ring.
I am thankful I live close enough to drive to all my brother's houses.
I am thankful for my cousins.
I am thankful for friendly squirrels.
I am thankful for my western Kirsten Hood(lum).
I am thankful for my summer with Smash.
I am thankful I just remember it's Paige's b day in a couple days.
I am thankful for Paige.
I am thankful for Lisa's ability to focus.
I am thankful for running.
I am thankful for Katzy.
I am thankful for Lipsky.
I am thankful for shiny objects.
I am thankful for warm weather in November.
I am thankful for Boggle and all those who play it.
I am thankful for heated seats.
I am thankful fringe.
I am thankful for Itunes.
I am thankful for the gym.
I am thankful for YOU.

Tim Burton and Rodin

2009-11-23T21:25:00.014-05:00

His latest work, Alice in Wonderland. I can't wait for this.

I have been so excited to see the Tim Burton exhibit at the Museum of Modern Art. I tend to get a little obsessive about things. I think Tim Burton is a genius. I love how twisted he seems. Right up my alley. I saw this advertised in a Metropolitan Home magazine and have been plotting and planning to see it ever since. At first I was going to go up one weekend in December when I have about a million (yes Billy, a million) other things to do but then I saw it opened the day my Mom and I were taking the kids up. I was so happy for all of us!

Well...hmm... opening day at MOMA in New York City on a Sunday during holiday season. Perhaps I should of said to myself, "Self, not a good idea." I didn't though. I do like I always do and riled them all up with all my enthusiasm and forged ahead. We waited in a relatively long line to get the tickets. It was crowded even in the lobby. Still, we were there. We got the tickets and made our way up to the entrance of the exhibit. It was super cool. There was a big timeline of all that Tim had done. Even movies that never came to fruition. Then there was a big mouth that you got to walk through to enter the exhibition. That is if you wanted to wait for an hour and half. Opening day. Duh.

Not so much.

My kids had been great for the ride up. They didn't bicker during the Empire State building. They were excellent through the sighting of the almost Amish but really Hasidic Jews, a long wait for lunch, an almost stolen (left in the car) wallet, a line at the entrance, now we are pushing hour six into our adventure day, I didn't see an a long wait in a very long line in our future.

Oh well, easy come, easy go. We were there. We decided to look around. Our first stop was to some modern sculptures. We happened upon one looked like a great big purple cat play place. Chase said to me, "Mom, you know what I hate? I hate when something is really expensive and important and it looks like you made it yourself."
It made me start to laugh. Moma is not the Met. Modern art is so subjective. I know it bothers people at times. Big blue stripes on paper or paint spilled on newspaper. It makes me happy, just cause it's up there. It makes me think about what simple things can look like together. I find it very powerful, even when when it seems silly. Somehow it made it to the walls of the museum that holds great works of art.
I completely get what Chase meant. I'm so glad he had that thought. I'm so glad he was paying attention. Clever boy. That alone was worth the trip.

Until the fifth floor.

The fifth floor is filled with Picasso and Van Gogh, you can see The Starry Night there, You can see Salvador Dali's The Persistance of Memory is there. There are Chagall's and Rousseau's, Mattise's and Marcel Duchamp's To Be Looked at (from the Other Side of the Glass) with One Eye, Close to, for Almost an Hour. The whole place makes my heart beat faster and I was so excited for my kids to see it, even if it will take more than once for it sink in. You gotta start somewhere.

All of the sudden Chase says very seriously, "Hey look. That looks like Uncle Mark."
Rodin's tall gay guy with the good hair (not the real name)
I almost fell on the floor laughing.
I still laugh every time I look at this picture.

Seriously, this will make me laugh for years. Look how perfect his hair is. Totally looks like Uncle Mark! He probably smells good too. Saige has informed me that gay men smell better cause they "care."

"Mom, can we come back before the exhibit is over to see it?" Saige said.
There were a lot of things that made it worth the trip. :)

Thanks Mom :)
http://abduzeedo.com/tim-burton-retrospective-moma

Sunday Adventure New York Part One

2009-11-23T07:38:00.005-05:00

This weeks adventure is a trip to New York to see my brother Mark. Yay. I love a trip to New York to see my brother Mark. Sometimes I sing that to myself cause it makes me so happy (I'm singing that too, but at least I'm not whistling it, right? Right.)
Our original plan is for Saige, Chase, my Mom and I to go up, go to the Toys R Us in Times Square, then to MOMA for the new Tim Burton exhibit, then to lunch. Mark will be meeting us at the museum because clever Grinch that he is thinks the Toys R Us at Christmas time might not be quite as much fun as it sounds.

I scurry around Sunday morning getting ready, as Chase lies on the couch like an Egyptian king he says, "I think I would rather go to the top of the Empire state building. I don't care about the toy store."
Well, this is interesting. My Mom and I look at each other and discuss if we had ever gone there before. I am thinking I did once in college with a boyfriend that lived right outside of the city but other than that, no. My Mom thinks she has never been there. We both find this a lovely turn of events since the whole toy store thing was to please my precious angel although to me it sounded like a little bit of hell right here on earth.

It was a fun ride up. Saige listened to her Ipod while Chase chatted away. As we were driving through the Lincoln Tunnel Chase said, "This is a long tunnel." I agreed and said, "I love the Lincoln Tunnel. Once you are through it's like you are entering a different world. It's how you go from here to there. Just like the wardrobe in Narnia."
"I was going to say that! I was just about to. Just like the wardrobe! Cause you can't see anything as you go through here except the walls," he says so excitedly it makes me smile at the similarities of the two of us. As he is pushing into the pre-teen years sometimes those likenesses are hard to see. I love these little reminders. Like last week while we were waiting for Saige to get out of an appointment and had a fifteen minute discussion on words we loved the sounds of. His favorite was indigenous. I find that freakishly delightful.

We go into the city and find free Sunday street parking which to me is a tell tale sign of a great day to be had. We are walking down 34th street as the guys who sell you on the virtual helicopter tour and the no wait access to the top start talking to us. Like the stellar consumers we are, we buy right into it. We get our tickets and up we go.
The virtual helicopter tour is pretty cool. Kevin Bacon guides us through New York City. It was great fun. Then we went up up up to the top of the world.

I believe It is a beautiful day in New York City.

I'm Not Sure What To Do With This

2009-11-19T19:42:00.007-05:00

When one odd thing happens it's kind of like, I don't know, a happening? Then something similar goes on and you scratch your head and wonder and then, three times a charm...
It all started with my daughter who is a couple weeks shy of 12. She came home last week and said, "One of my teacher's said it was okay to say faggot."
What?
"What are you talking about?" I asked her.
"Well, she said it just means gay or retarded," she told me as she shook her head in disbelief.

I did not know what to make of this. I found it unsettling and bizarre. Who says that? I don't think saying it's okay cause it means retarded is even remotely all right to say. I didn't really know what to do though. Saige knew it was crazy. That's why she told me. I just said, "That's insane." She agreed with me.

Then she came home and told me they had someone who worked in the school come in a read a poem in their class. She said, "It was very inappropriate."
Here we go again. "Inappropriate how?" I ask.
"Well, it went something like, when the sun goes down and the moon goes up, don't be distressed, I'm up your dress," she said.
"What?" I ask again.
"I know," she says. "My teacher told him it wasn't okay to say to us." (I believe that was the same teacher that uses questionable words in every day conversation but, apparently this is where the line is drawn.)

Then today. Chase comes home. "A teacher yelled at me," he informs Saige and I.
"Why? What'd you do?" Saige asks him.
"I was talking in line. He told me to stop and I said sorry," Chase said.
"That's it?" I asked.
"No! After I said sorry he said, 'Sorry doesn't matter. Sorry doesn't do anything. What if someone killed the president? Do you think they could just say sorry and he would magically come back to life?'" Chase tells us.

I'm sorry. That borders on psycho talk to me. Comparing a ten year old chatting in the recess line and an assassination of a world leader is not really apples to apples.

I'm not sure what is the appropriate thing to do, or do I just shake my head, reassure my children that all of it is just weird and not remotely sane. I was relieved that in every situation my kids knew it was not okay. There are a lot of things that happen daily that I'm sure they don't tell me. These stuck out enough that I heard about them.
These are the things they're learning during the school day?
Huh...

The Grass is A Lovely Shade of Green

2009-11-17T13:11:00.005-05:00

Some things just aren't meant to be. I think sometimes you have to accept that and move on. Like for instance, missing a flight. That doesn't suck to much, right? There is nothing like being at the airport on a rainy morning at the crack of dawn and them telling you that are twenty minutes to late to get your luggage on a plane.

What would one do were this to happen to them I wonder? Wanna know what I did? I started to cry. Yup, right there. And then I convinced myself that I had lost my keys. I'm sorry, I had to self park for the first time in forty years. How ridiculous is that? I had never driven myself to the airport alone before in my entire life.

First time for everything.

I am an over packer too. I have roughly four outfits per day, which include but are not limited to, workout clothes, day clothes, dinner clothes and sleeping clothes. Four days times four outfits per day plus options is a big bag. And also as any woman knows, you can go away for a day or a month and you still need all the daily essentials. There is no way around that. I can't just use any old lame hair dryer. And this face isn't going to get washed magically by itself. I'm not Samantha from Bewitched for Gods sake. I need my stuff. So, not only did I self park but I also had to lug the hugest duffle bag in all the land by myself, with my laptop bag, a huge coat (who am I rachel?) and a purse. It's no wonder i couldn't find those keys!

So then what happens? The ticket guy consoles me. I get some looks of concern from strangers and I get out my cell phone and call my friend Lisa, crying to her. As she is figuring out how to get me new keys, I find mine! I dry my tears. I accept the fact that instead of flying directly to Denver I will be taking a little foray to Phoenix. Which is nice I guess cause I will see a sunny day after a yucky, rainy, morning.

I sit next to a girl on the plane who not only drove herself to the airport but also never saw the shuttle from long term parking to the terminal. She was going away for a week and had two suitcases, her laptop, purse and a coat. She WALKED from long term parking to the terminal in a rainy windstorm at 6.30am.

Dude, it could always be worse.

The Apple Doesn't Fall Far...

2009-11-09T08:08:00.011-05:00

On Sunday's I get to hang out with my children. My kids are extremely social and busy and whether they are with me for the weekend or their father they are always between parties and playdates and sleepovers and my very own personal time is usually when I am putting their laundry in their room or when I am making them some sort of meal.
I like time with just them. I try to think of things to entice them into hanging out with me and only me for a while. Once we get passed the part where they bicker about something the three of us have a good time.
Yesterdays adventure was taking the hour drive to see my oldest brother and his family. They are great fun. They also live an hour from here in Amish country. They are not Amish though. Not that I know of at least. :)
So we drive through farm lands and by horse and buggies and we see all sorts of sights. I have the annoying tendency of liking to stop the car on road trips. I like to take pictures of nonsense. It is one of my favorite things to do. My daughter is the exact same way. She is delighted by our road trips sights. Funny signs, interesting looking people, any boring, old, kind of animal that is close enough to the road for us to get a picture. It takes my son a little bit of time to warm up to this. He pretends like he doesn't at first and he thinks we are offending people by taking pictures of their every day life. While I guess in the abstract :) this could be true it is certainly not our intention. We are just fascinated by shiny objects or little tiny horses or people with lives different than ours.

" Saige!, get out the camera!! Look! The Amish, they are playing some sort of Amish game!"
"Oh my God Mom, don't even take their picture. They are not zoo animals," Chase says.
Luckily Saige already has the camera turned on and the window down. She is ready to go.
"I know they're not zoo animals, but they are playing some sort of Amish game and I think we should record it so we can refer back to when you are studying the Amish," I reply like the concerned parent that I am.

"That's not an Amish game! That's volleyball!" Chase yells at us.
Well yes it is. Hmm... I don't care. You just don't see that everyday.

"Pull over Mom! Look! Another little tiny horse," Saige says excitedly.
'I yuv yittle tiny horsies!" I say like an idiot.
"Oh great. Just what I wanted to do today, take pictures of farm animals," Chase says.
"Technically it is Saige taking the pictures, if you want to use exact words Greg Brady," I say.
I just got an eye roll for that one.
"LOOK! An amish tree!" Saige says.

"Why are the people Amish?" Saige asks.
"Cause they are," I reply smartly.
"Do you think they are nice to their horses?" she asks.
"I sure hope so."
"They just all look so...so," she starts.
"So what?" I ask.
"So miserable."
Because there is clearly something wrong with me and my sense of humor this struck me so funny that I started laughing until there were tears streaming down my face.
"What's so funny?" Chase demands.
"Mom! Mom! Look!!" he says.
"What is it?"
"Did you see how big that horse's butt was? It was huge!" he says amazed."You should take a picture of that."

Riki tiki tembo is finally on board.
And Saige already has the camera out.

...From the Tree.

Labels

2009-11-07T18:14:00.003-05:00

My friend called me a dork today.
I really don't think it was called for.
I will be the first to tell you about my nerd like habits.
-I have had every new Harry Potter book in the first 24 hours it is out and have read it in a couple days. Even though my children are not that interested.
-I like Neil Diamond. Not every day. Not a whole album, but if Sweet Caroline comes on I will not be changing the station. And don't even get me started on my love for Gordon Lightfoot. Seriously, I will say, I wouldn't be caught dead with a Journey song on my IPod, but that's just me.
-I do Sudoku, or play Sudoku or whatever it is called when you hang with your Japanese friend Suduko. I thoroughly enjoy a brand new Sudoku book and a freshly sharpened pencil. Yes, I use a pencil.
-Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer still makes me cry when those other reindeers won't let him play any games with them. And I just don't understand why the little people have to be make fun of the dentist. Fake wooden Holiday characters can be mean.

See, I will admit if I am a nerd.

So say, you were to call me and tell me that you played Boggle on your phone until you got a headache (cause that's not dorky at all!). Is it so wrong for me to ask, "Was it regular Boggle or Mastermind Boggle?" I think that's a valid question! I also think I could kick his ass at either! (I have also been labeled competitive on occasion) which I'm not! I just like to win. Duh.

I did enjoy that he knew exactly that Mastermind Boggle was the supersize board that won't allow any pathetic three letter words!
You gotta be a total dork to know that.
Right?
Amulet Hit.

Where the Wild Things Are

2009-11-04T16:54:00.006-05:00

If you are planning on seeing the movie Where the Wild Things Are, you might not want to read this. Or you might. I'm not sure. So I will just tell you. I am going to talk about it. Not only talk about it but explain the whole movie. So don't read it maybe.

I saw this tonight. I started crying at the beginning of the movie and cried until well after I got home.

This movie is not just a short book about a little boy being sent to bed without his supper and going to an imaginary land. This movie was about divorce and the breakdown of a family. It was very sad.

At the beginning you saw Max watch his Mom on a date in his house. He wanted her attention and she was giving it to a man that wasn't his father. He is angry and acts out, she gets upset with him. So he runs away to the Land of the Wild Things.

When he got there the main Wild Thing, Carol, (James Gandolfini) was breaking down the houses because his friend, K.W. was gone. Destroying them one after another. Max was happy to join him in his quest to ruin everything until the rest of the Wild Things got angry at him for destroying what they worked so hard to build.

He almost got eaten by the wild thing family until he promised the monsters that he had special powers and that he alone could make them happy. He could build a place for them where no sadness and no loneliness got in. That was their main concern, to keep out the loneliness. So they made him king.

He is then immersed in their family which is having a breakdown of it's own. Each wild thing seemed to be a part of his psyche at some point. There was the part that was scared and alone. There was that part that was confused and broken. There was the part that was angry and destructive. There was the part that was loving and only wanted everyone to be happy. There was the part that felt invisible and helpless. And there was the wild thing that just didn't say anything at all.

There was Max. He was all the wild things wrapped up in one little boy.

Max led them in a plan to build the perfect place to live. The place where they could live safe from the outside world. The place where no one could get in that they didn't want. But then he found himself letting others in. Carol's
feelings got hurt. He lost his temper. He stormed off.

He got angry when he found out that Max couldn't save him and that he really wasn't a king. He was just a little boy. He chase's him through the woods until Max is saved by K.W. He climbs through her mouth and waits inside her while she and Carol yell at each other. He listens to them argue. He can barely breathe. When he gets out he talks to K.W. She is so sad. Carol said mean things. Max said, "It's just cause he is scared. He didn't mean it." K.W. says, "It's just so hard to begin with. Why does he have to make it worse?"

I guess it's just life.

I have not read any review on this movie. At the end I did see that it was directed by Spike Jonze and the screenplay was by Dave Eggers, who wrote "A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius." I thought that was interesting because they are both so current and edgy.

I guess this movie could have gone a whole different way. It could have been a little boy with some sort of ADD or ADHD or just hopped up on to many lollipops and to much caffeine. He could have gone to the land of the wild things and had some zany adventures and then realized that he really did miss his family and gone home.
It could have gone like that.
It didn't though.
I think this was better. It's not a movie I would take a small child to see but in reality divorce and loneliness and all those other emotions are part of life. I think it could give people who might be going through anything like this a different view. It could possibly help. I think some people might be upset by it not being a sugary sweet adaptation of Maurice Sendak's classic children's book. I myself, thought it was helpful.

I will say, if you are the product of divorce or are going through a divorce or know anyone that has or is. You should see this movie.
It might even change how you think.

Even when it appears we are acting like monsters, we are actually just human, sometimes scared, sometimes lonely, sometimes lost, but really just human after all.

Who Looks Out For Your Children?

2009-11-01T18:51:00.018-05:00

I'm a bit confused about something. This is nothing new. Sometimes I say to some, "Wait, wait, wait. Listen to me. Um, I don't know." So honestly, that could be considered confused. Or just that I have so much on my mind I can't get it out quick enough. Thank God for my patient Friends.
I am thankful for all my friends.
Today Dear DiaryBlog I am going to be thankful for my very dear friend Lisa Samuel.
Did you know she is running for school board in West Chester?
Well she is.
It is one of those things I was confused about why she would want to do at first. It's not an easy thing to do. It's a lot of time and a lot of commitment and a lot of being nice to people who aren't all that nice to begin with. Lisa is a worker though. She gives her time to everything. She organizes things, volunteers, makes dinners, helps out everyone. To the point that it actually exhausts me. She is always willing to do more.
School board seemed slightly insane to me. Until I listened to what she had to say. She told me about the deficit in the budget and what some wanted to cut. She talked about how there are people who believe our kids should be going to school all year round. She told me about the people who believed creationism should be taught in our public school classrooms. She talked about the costs of everything. She knows a lot. It still was only slightly interesting to me.
The other night she had to make a speech. I went just to support her. Cause she's my friend. It was enlightening.
I'm sure it's obvious by my flashing Obama banner on the side bar of my blog that I lean to the left. I am pro choice. I am against war. I didn't like Jorge Busha. I do not believe that religion should be in the schools. In other words, I am for all that is good and right in the world. Duh.
So going to the debate night was very eye opening. I listened to the eight candidates talk. A lot of politics has to do with charisma. That's a given right? People need to connect with someone. If the People care enough to vote for school board that is. If you have kids that are school aged and you have ever complained or questioned anything, I hope your voting where ever you live. Take five minutes to learn who your candidates are. Vote for someone. You are your child's main advocate. If you spend the time driving them to sports and doing homework and going to their conferences and choosing Jif cause you care, the least you can do is decide who you think is best to make the big decisions for you and your children concerning their education.
Allah or Buddha or God or the Sun might do it most of the time but I'm quite sure none of them could care less if your children are bussed both ways to kindergarten.
The video below show cases one of our slightly charismatic candidates. All that nonsense in the video goes on in our sweet little town. The town we live. The town our children live in. The Pro War folks have invited known "criminals," (and that's the FBI's word, not mine) into our town. They have decided that because they are "For War" that they are "Against Peace."
I'm sorry. That's weird. And scary. And doesn't belong here or anywhere for that matter.
I'm sure it goes in your town too. Check it out.
Vote.
Do it for your kids.
On Tuesday, if you live in West Chester Area School District please vote for Lisa Samuel.

Oh Brother John, Where Art Thou

2009-10-31T09:52:00.000-04:00

I was in New York for a couple days trying to learn some new yoga. I met a friend who has this thing with liquids apparently.
We go into Starbucks so my friend can get a Chai tea. Apparently orange juice, water, and diet coke is not enough beverage for 10 am. I sit down at a table to wait cause it's a long line. I decide to try to answer a couple e mails from my phone. Someone taps on my shoulder.
"Excuse me, excuse me." he says.
I look up and see an interesting looking fellow to say the least.
"You are beautiful," he says to me.
I'm not sure what's going on here. I look around for my friend. No where to be seen. I glance at the women at the table next to me on her laptop. She didn't even look up. I'm in New York City after all.
"Thank you so much," I say to him.
"You are beautiful!" he repeats. "What are you? Italian? German? Irish? What? Italian?" he fires off at me?
"Um... I don't know," I stammer out like an idiot.
He doesn't seem to notice. He just keeps talking.
"You know what I like so much about you?" he ask me as he takes my hand in his?
I'm not sure if this normal.
"No," I answer.
"Your shape. You've got a great shape," he says. Then he kisses my hand.
Huh?
Okay.
"Listen, I haven't eaten breakfast. Do you have any money you can give me?" he asks quite confidently.
Oh, I see now.
"I guess so," I say as I look around again to see if someone is going to intervene.
At this point he lets go of my hand for a second to make someone move out of the table he has planned on sitting at after he got some latte money from me. I have to hand it to him, the guy moved. In the same breath he got some notebook paper off a different guy because as he informed me, he was a writer.
"I'm Brother John," he says. "I'm going to be a Saint. Now listen to me. Fold up the money in your hand when you give it to me, if they see you handing it to me they'll kick me out. How much are you giving me? They kicked me out the other day because I took to long in the bathroom. I took five minutes! Most people take thirty minutes! With the toilet paper and everything. And you know what thirty plus thirty is right? An hour!"
Where the hell is my Chai tea friend???
I give him two dollars. Apparently that wasn't enough because he seemed a little annoyed at me for a second but quickly shook it off and continued to talk to me as he took my hand in his again.
"You are so beautiful. You have an aura about you."
Maybe I should have given him more.
At this point I look up and see that my friend has ordered the tea and has to wait for it but is looking right at Brother John and I. I give a little smile that says, "When the hell are you coming over here?" All I see is the Iphone pointed at me! Oh I understand... there will be no saving. Only evidence.
"You look like a celebrity," Brother John says as he kisses my hand.
"I do? Who?" I'm starting to really like Brother John.
"Dolly Parton!" he says very loudly. "I"m a singer you know. How old is Tony Bennett? I sang with him in the park. I love your shape. You know who Dolly Parton is?" Brother John says.
I quickly txt "I'm so glad you're enjoying this."
Finally the Chai is ready so we can go now. Brother John looks at my friend and says, "She's beautiful."
He got a nod of agreement.
I stand up. "It was so nice meeting you Brother John!"
My hand gets another kiss. I think he even sort of bowed at me.
"Have a good day," I say.
I'm sitting here in my warm house on this rainy Halloween and I'm really hoping Brother John had a good breakfast today.

Does Funny Outway (that's for you Kitk) Lazy?

2009-10-25T20:24:00.006-04:00

Does it?
If someone is funny can we overlook their laziness?
My children are lazy.
Lazy as dogs on a hot summers day.
Of course they're not lazy when it comes to certain things. They are not lazy when it comes to making weekend plans. They are not lazy when they are hungry and need to ask me to make them something to eat. They are not lazy when it comes to snatching a twenny or three from me for ice skating or movies, or getting nails done, or lunch at the local sushi place with their friends. And they are certainly not lazy when asking if they can get a massage too. Nope, then they are full of the vitality you would expect out of pre teens.
However, they do get a little lazy when it comes to cleaning their rooms, carrying their water glass downstairs, picking up the laundry they have strewn on the side of their bed, putting their dishes in the dishwasher, turning off the tv, or a host of other menial tasks their maid (by maid I mean me) can do.
Today though we had a little family event. We cleaned out the playroom together. Well, Chase and I did. We went through old books and his dinosaurs and a plethura of other junk they hadn't looked at in years. Chase took this opportunity to taking anything electronic that didn't work and move it to his room. He then got all the screwdrivers he could find and disassembled them. Then he tired of that task and left all the crap all over the floor. To lazy to put it in the trash. Don't worry, the maid (me) will get that, Baby!
Saige wandered in and out while she was busy on the phone making her plans for the day. She was able to partake in a few fights over if Chase could take apart the cell phone she hadn't looked at in years and if she could keep the camp flag that Chase bought with his own (parents) money. So that was fun.
Finally I shooed them out to go mess up their rooms and continued on with my cleaning. I did put stuff in the hallway and ask them to take it down to the garage.
Here's Chase, "Um, Mom? Is Saige going to help me because I have already done a lot today!"
So that was funny.
Got a good belly laugh out of that one.
But I really just laughed when I looked at my eleven year old daughters facebook page. It came to my attention cause when I clicked on the home page it said she was now listed as "Single." Huh? Good I think!
So I clicked on her page to see what was going on with her. Not only is she single but apparently has two children who have different last names and four siblings. Now, I don't know. There is a lot of my past that is somewhat foggy but I clearly remember giving birth only twice. Maybe they're her fathers and I just didn't know about them til now. Stranger things have happened.
But really, she's a funny kid. Both her and Chase make me laugh daily. So my vote goes to funny kind of outweighs lazy but I am going to Mean Mommy until those rooms are clean.
Or at the very least Diligent Maid.

A Public Service Announcement

2009-10-22T22:05:00.004-04:00

Okay, so we got the lo down or the down lo or whatever it is that is being said these days.

I'll be the first to one to tell you, I'm cool. No. Really. For real... ( in my head). At least as far as forty year old mothers go. So I don't understand txt shorthand. Half the time I have to get my daughter to translate what she has written. And sometimes my children don't think I am nearly as funny as I think I am but I'm sorry, as far as mother's go, I'm not so bad.
I just don't know a thing.

I always thought that because I was of questionable "goodness" in high school and Marc probably fell under even that blurry line that we would have no problem with kids as they became teenagers. We would know. Whatever they could bring at us, one of us would have done it at some point in our checkered youth.

It's not the eighty's anymore people. Hole-Lee.

Seriously, right?

So tonight Suzy and I take the girls (hers and mine, 13 and 11) out to dinner. Sue is also "cool." She's also a much tougher nut than I am. No actually does mean no in her house and there is no bickering about it. Although tonight I did hear her daughter, Jade's side of what will be known as "the Halloween costume," incident. Jade wanted to be candy corn witch. Apparently that costume is somewhat trashy and low cut. Sue wanted to fix it so it didn't appear quite so revealing. Jade was annoyed. Sue ended the discussion with, "Honey, I just don't want you to look like a hussy." Nuff said.

So we got the girls talking. Jade spoke of how she is friends with everyone, the popular kids, the jocks, even the druggies. She doesn't do drugs but she doesn't judge her friends that do.
"So what kind of drugs to kids do these days?" I ask. I am thinking she is going to say, "Pot or Ecstasy," or something I have heard of,
Not so much.
"Purple mist," Jade says.
"What the hell is that?" I ask. "Purple mist? What do you do? Spray it on you? Is it perfume? Do you inhale it? Huff it? Do kids still huff? Where do you get it? I don't understand!!!? I spew out.
"I don't know." she says slowly, "I guess they inhale it," she says.
"Inhale it how? Smoke it? Is there a joint involved? A bong? A hairspray bottle? Whip its? Huffing? Do kids still huff? What is huffing anyway? I never understood how that worked?"
They just stared at me for a minute.
"Come on. I don't understand what it is," I look at Sue for answers.
She takes a sip of wine and says, "I don't know either, Honey."
"What about you Saige," I ask, "Do you know anyone that does drugs?"
"No. I think drugs are stupid," she says.
"Well they are, but people, kids in particular can be stupid too. I just want to know what goes on. What else is there?"
"There's Murr," Jade chimes in.
"Murr? What the hell is that? Isn't that something one of the wisemen brought the baby Jesus? What do kids do with that?"
They all just shrugged their shoulders with wide eyes and shook there heads that they didn't know
This worries me.
It's an uphill battle this whole parenting deal.
What seemed like a nice idea when you were looking at baby name books and picking out crib bedding has taken a whole new turn. Middle school. Boys, drugs, kissing, trashy Halloween costumes, and bitchy girls, combat that with the influences outside of school, sibling rivalry, sports pressure, friends with troubles, divorce, the list goes on and on.

My head is spinning. I mean really, Murr? What is that? I am going to google it and get back to you. Until then, I think we could all use a little yoga. Right?

EggSensual Moment

2009-10-21T21:51:00.003-04:00

My phone rings. I am already on the phone with someone else that I don't want to hang up with but my caller id says it's one of my very best friends.
"Hold on," I tell caller one.
I answer.
"Hey, can I call you back in five minutes," I say.
"It better be five minutes or I'm going to kick your ass," the cute little voice says.
I call her back quickly because my recommendation of moo shoo chicken seems to be a big hit with caller number one although they did complain about wrapping it themselves. Ok, Lazy.

So I call back caller number two.
"What's going on?" I ask.
"I'm having an eggsensual moment, is that right? Is that how you say it?" she says.
"Existential?" I ask, laughing.
"Yes! I've been drinking since six o'clock tonight and I'm leaving the Catholic church tomorrow!"

At this point I decide a glass of wine is in order for me, cause this could get good.

"What happened?" I like to keep my Catholic thoughts to myself cause I get scared.
"I got my third letter from them tonight! Three letters! There was more postage on there than there was for the Obama/Bush campaign, or whoever is running now," she says rather loudly.
My smile is so wide right now. I love this woman so much. She delights me daily with her stories but when she gets pissed it borders on a festival. A good one. Not one of those gross food ones. A music festival!
"So what happened?" I ask again.
"I called some of my Catholic friends, they all had suggestions, so I hung up and called you. I needed to talk to a real person."
(I'm taking that as a compliment)
"I can't explain what happened cause I've been drinking since six," she tells me again.
"What are you drinking?" I am curious. She does enjoy a Brandy on occasion.
"The box," she says.
"Of course, the box."
"I"m so mad though, I have looked all over the house for my white wine glass and I can't find it anywhere! I"m leaving the church!"
"What happened?" I try again.
"Three letters! I'm leaving and I'm stapling a thousand dollar check with my resignation!" she says.
"Is it like leaving the Bloods or the Crips? You have to be beat out or sexed out or pay out? Do they pay their way out?"
This is completely ignored.
"Three letters! I'm a good person. I'm leaving!"

I still am not really clear on what happened. I do believe it was a long time coming though. I have heard more than one Catholic person say, "I don't believe what they say but it was how I was brought up, so I'm doing it."
This always makes me cock my head to the side like the dumb blonde I am.
I don't judge though.
Catholic, Jewish, those of us with no set religion. We're all just human.
I am from the religion of "Be a nice person."
I wish everyone was.
Now where's that box?
Sue? The day ends in y...

Birds of A Feather

2009-10-20T20:20:00.017-04:00

My friend is crazy. That's why I like her. The other day I tried to write a sweet post about these nice cards my daughter made me. Now most would just say, "Isn't that sweet." but not Twisty. Nope. She decided to write me her own list. I am posting it below with a picture of her for each reason she loves me.

1. You love ME more than anything. Me. ME, ME, ME! Sorry, Saige.

1a. Yes! More than anything! Except that bird on your shoulder. You know how I love the chickens!
2. You really are very supportive. Frighteningly so, in fact. Take drop backs, for instance, and the way you shout, "do it." I feel quite supported.

2a. While yes it's true that I am very supportive of when you are being a big baby and won't do a simple drop back, here it looks like you are supporting me. I love you for that!
3. You always care about my need to make you laugh.

3a. Why yes, I do care about that because the laughs are so few and far between. Stop being so serious all the time!
4. You love to encourage me (to do stupid and sometimes dangerous things so you can take pictures).

4a. While you are right, I do encourage that, I somehow remember standing on a very flimsy branch hanging over the roaring ocean while yelled at me to let go and hold up my foot. I love that about you.
5. You love to listen to my reaction to what you have to say.

5a. I love to listen and look at the reaction you will give me. It is always so motherly. Like hot cocoa on a cold winters day.
(My favorite part is your two little cherubs behind you. So innocent and sweet. Omnamahnaamyshromm)
6. You're willing to drive me to yoga workshops (as long as I'm Cheese Bitch).

6a. This picture screams "Cheese Bitch." Thank you for that.
7. You've never braided my hair after a shower. Harassed me while I cut my hair, yes, but braided it, no. And I love you for that.

7a. Wait, what did you say? I wasn't listening.
8. You always try to help me with my home work...like painting, laying bricks. Oh, wait, no...that's my other friend.

8a. I don't know what friend is helping you lay bricks (are you talking about that guy that went all Red Hot Chili Peppers in highschool? Never mind that. I don't care who helps you with those tasks. Nobody can do this! Nobody!
9. You will eat the blueberry mojitos I make.

9a. I will eat those blueberry mojitos til the cows come home but I am going to have to pass on the dead bat. Is that cool? You still love me?
10. There are a GAZILLION other reasons, but, like your mom always says, Saige: this isn't a contest.

10a. One of the gazillions of reasons I love YOU is because This is Your husband! Come on, Can I get an Amen?
I love you. And Buddha too.

Bonus: But this here, this is the reason that I love you most of all. Cause you're Twisted!

Hornie Princess

2009-10-19T21:05:00.007-04:00

I don't like babies. I just thought I'd throw that out there because I always get nervous smiles or laughter when I say it. Most people who know me just shake their heads and laugh cause, well... they know me.

However I totally get the biggest kick out of kids once they turn about 2. 3's perfect and 4 year olds can keep me entertained all day long.

Crazy Twisty (who is getting her own special post as soon as I gather all the evidence) has a little boy whose words will delight me for days on end. I love the way little kids talk, they way the enunciate their words, their odd little accents that they have picked up from who knows where, and especially the stories that come out of their mouthe's.

This weekend my friend was here with me. Her almost 5 year old joined us Sunday but that story is way to convoluted to delve into so I won't even try. So yesterday Marc walks in with Saige and Chase and Hannah to drop them off and puts a unicorn on the couch. He looks at us and says, "Meet Hornie."
"I'm sorry?" I say.
"Her unicorn. She named it Hornie," he informed us with a smirk.
"I got it at Build a Bear," Hannah stated proudly with the brilliant innocence of a child who has named their unicorn Horny because it has a horn. Shame on the rest of us for giggling and laughing.
"Yes, well maybe we can think of a different name for it," her Mom said looking a little embarrassed.
Marc just smiles as he shakes his head no.
"No. I put it on the birth certificate," Hannah states proudly.

Fast forward to today. We were getting ready to run some errands and Hannah says to me in the cutest little voice ever, "Amy, can I bring my horse to play with because I never got a unicorn at build a bear before."
"By all means, pack up Hornie and let's get a move on," I say.
"We are calling her by her middle name today," Hannah says, "Hornie is her first name."
"What is she going by today?" I ask.
"Princess! Her name is Hornie Princess!"

Of course it is.

10 Reasons Why I Love You

2009-10-15T21:14:00.006-04:00

Saige made me a present. She brought it in to me tonight. She cut out and colored 11 cards and drew hearts all over them.
10 Reasons Why I Love You
1. She loves me more than anything
2. She is so supportive
3. She always cares about my needs at ANYTIME
4. She loves to encourage me for ANYTHING
5. She loves to listen to what I have to say. ALWAYS
6. She's willing to drive me to my academic activities. She will always make it work.
7. She always braids my hair after a shower.
8. She always tries to help me with my homework.
9. She will eat the dinners that I make.
10. You are the best mom ever! I love you and theres 100000 more reasons why I love you but these are just ten.

Be still my heart.
I couldn't ask for anything more.
When my kids were really little they used to go to the gym with me everyday. At that time they loved the Barenaked Ladies song, "If I Had A Million Dollars." We listened to it all the time in the mornings on our way in. The last line of the song says, "If I had a million dollars... I'd be rich!" Without fail, one or both of them would say, "Are we rich Mom?" My response was the exact same thing every time, "We are rich because people love us."
Tonight I felt like the richest person in the world.

When I told her this was a blog post. She said, "Make sure you say that when I said, 'she always tries to help me with my homework, the underline was on tries."
Rich and stupid. Oh well, things could be worse.

Now, You Know, drop and give me ten. Oh, I'm sorry! Is this not my class? My bad.

Pavlov's Dog

2009-10-15T04:06:00.010-04:00

Pavlov was so smart. Him and that dog. I think he really could have done a little human testing though and found the exact same thing. We are all Pavlov's dog, right? We get conditioned to be a certain way and then it takes an entire re-learning process to break out of it.

You can see it so easily in other people all the time. The way they react to situations. The way people follow relationship patterns. They have the same one repeatedly, with different people, whether it is good or bad. They allow people to treat them a certain way. Their habits and customs and figures of speech. We are completely captive of our emotions, our instincts and our conditioning. History proves that over and over again. People still fight wars, there is greed and hate and damage to the environment. We've seen the effects but it doesn't stop us. A universe full of Pavlov's dog. Can we change it and begin to control at least our own personal destiny or are we just stuck in stream of evolution?

I have a friend who had a really awful, crazy, insane, drug addict, boyfriend. She finally got rid of him. She had a new boyfriend. He had some better qualities, but many the same and instead of doing cocaine he is taking steroids. He didn't care when she was sad, he invaded her privacy, he tried to control her, but yet she was upset when he broke up with her for the fourth time in two days. I said, "I don't understand, what was the draw? How was he making you happy?" She said to me, "Well, he's good with my child and he never hit me." Holy God. That's how low her bar is set? I feel like I need to repeat a thousand times, "You are to good for that. You are an amazing person. You deserve someone who can make you as happy as you make them." If I repeat it enough will it break her of a habit of putting herself aside for someone else? Making excuses for people and settling? Or is she to conditioned from previous relationships that this is what is "normal?"

But what about ourselves?
Seeing it in someone else is easy. Realizing that you do it too is so eye opening. I have found that it's hard for me to tell people when I'm sad. I am really good at making them feel better about my stuff or just not saying anything at all. I know I will be able to get through it alone (or with the help of my payed shrink). I might tell them what is going on but I have a hard time admitting how it is affecting me. I learned a long time ago that some people don't want to hear it. They have had their own long day. They don't want to hear that you're sad. You have no reason to be sad. Shut up. Smile. Look pretty. Your problems aren't nearly as valid as theirs.
Last night I needed to talk. I realized that how I was feeling was a little to much for me on my own. So first I txted a friend, almost as the heads up that I wasn't okay. Kind of giving them an out in case they didn't feel like listening. Although I said, "Don't call me. I don't feel like talking," my phone rang immediately. So I talked. I talked and cried and was completely honest with my feelings. I heard myself saying to my friend, "I'm sorry. I don't mean to do this. I hate to complain."
You know what I got?
"Shut up."
"Shut up? Shut up? YOU shut the f*&k up!"
No!
That didn't happen. Not last night at least. ;)
Last night the "Shut up" I heard was followed by. "Don't ever apologize for telling me how you feel. You can't be happy all the time. You are allowed to feel sad. When you do, I want you to call me first. Don't tell me you are bothering me. I want to hear everything. Good and bad. I want to be here for you."
I listened and then explained that I would need retraining. Don't get frustrated with me if I hold back at times. It's what I am conditioned to.
Like Pavlov's dog.

Thank you friend and friends and Mommy :)

My Precious Baby

2009-10-14T09:12:00.002-04:00

My ten year old son was sick this week. He was actually sick on Monday but he had a big weekend and he has cried wolf before. I tend to not have a lot of patience with the Monday blues. I tell him, "Be sick on Friday and we'll talk. Monday doesn't work for me." I sent him off to school and went about my day.
Yesterday he really was sick. He had a fever and he slept for hours and hours. I kept going up in my room where he was asleep to watch his chest move up and down he was sleeping for so long. Finally he woke up and felt a lot better. He came downstairs with me and we sat on the couch and talked. Before he was sick, this summer, he had been a little distant. For a while I thought it was his age and his hormones but lately I have come to realize he just had a lot on his mind. As we sat there and talked yesterday and laughed I was so happy to see my little boy start to seem his normal self to me again. We were laughing about something and he looked at me and said, "How did we get such a perfect life together?"
My heart must have skipped a beat. I could not possibly love this child any more than I do.
"I know," I said. "Right?"
He looked at me so sweetly and said, "How do you think we found each other?"
Oh my God, I love these moments when it's so obvious that your child is your own. When their thinking links up to yours in ways that others might not understand.
I said, "You picked me baby. You came to me."
He just smiled. He loves my metaphysical, past lives, crazy, koo koo, spiritual stuff. Cause he's so my child.

Breaking My Heart

2009-10-12T19:21:00.002-04:00

I have an eleven year old daughter. She is amazing. She is a good human being. She understands people. This year, especially I have watched her go from a child slightly uncomfortable in her skin to a confident young lady. She has her moments of crazy (who amongst us doesn't) but she told me the other day, "Only with you Mom. I don't care when we get in arguments, I know you love me." We sat there and laughed because there are times that child will not take no for an answer, will not back down, will not just walk away. Even when I say, "Walk away." At the time it's kind of annoying but after a while if it was her deal, she always comes in and says, "I'm sorry." I do too if it was my thing. It works.

Today she had two friends over. They were supposed to be here til 6.30. She came in and asked if they could stay til 8. I said, "sure," and went about doing what I was doing. I was on the phone with my friend and Saige came in and whispered, "What kind of therapist did you want to be Mom?" I pointed to the phone to signal I was busy.
She said, "It's really important."
I got off the phone and she said, "Lily is in there crying."
"Why?" I asked.
"She called her dad and asked if she could stay longer and he yelled at her and said he was coming to get her now. Now she is afraid he is going to scream at her when he picks her up. Can you come talk to her. Be a therapist."

My heart sunk. This isn't the first time I have heard about this dad. She has cried while at my husbands house about him. I have heard stories. Her parents are going through a divorce and she is happy about that. She tells the girls that she hates him. I don't know her mother well enough to talk about it. I feel awful having this little girl at my house and sending her off in tears because she is afraid of her own dad. It breaks my heart in a million little pieces.

I sat down on the floor with them and she cried and said that he gets so mad. It scares her. She was crying so hard it made me nervous that it was more than yelling. I had to ask her. I said, "Sweetheart, are you afraid if he's going to hit you?" She kept her eyes down and said, "I don't remember if he ever did that." I asked if she had called her Mom and told her and she said that her mom didn't answer. We sat and talked about how she felt and what to do and I don't remember feeling quite so helpless as right then. The other friend here had all sorts of ways to get her away from the dad. Trying to make her laugh. Not understanding the situation enough, having never lived it. I asked Lily, "Have you ever told anyone before or talked about it?" She tilted her head up with all those tears and said, "Just Saige." as she looked at my daughter. The beauty of that friendship made me smile for a second. Then I got sad again.

I walked out with her when he got here. My daughter and her other friend hugged her so tight and said, "We wish you were staying." I wanted to yell at that man and tell him he was a f*#kin' bully. Seriously, men who scare their children on a daily basis make me sick to my stomach. I know it wouldn't have helped her though so I made small talk and tried to be nice. The girls gave him some Halloween candy to try and make him happy and smiled. It was so fake and such bullshit. It made me so mad. I felt like I was teaching them the wrong thing. Smile. Be nice. Make sure you don't piss the bully off even more. He's bigger, he's stronger, he's louder. Just smile. But she's just a little girl. I wanted her to get home and feel safe. That should have been a given.

Supremely Pathetic

2009-10-11T09:22:00.005-04:00

I love a good word. Sometimes I just love the way they sound like, charlatan. It has a certain zing to it. It sounds like you want it to mean. Or rascal or illuminated or overzealous. "The sign on the marquee was illuminated and the overzealous fans began to chant (another good one) as the actor portraying the charlatan sauntered cat-like down the red carpet." The whole thing might not make such good sense but I love the words.

There are also words that I dislike (as oppose to like, not like posable or opposable thumbs, please follow along). Sometimes I don't even know why I don't like certain words, for instance I hate the word masseuse. You can't say that word without someone getting a goofy look on their face and asking about a happy ending (also a vile word grouping and really just gross on it's own volition). I hate the word crack, either when it pertains to the butt region or the drug.

I can't stand the word "platter," like when you are in a restaurant and someone says, "I'll have the such and such platter." It makes me crinkle up my nose and shake my head. But that's just me.

Turn of phrase. I love a good turn of phrase. I also love the term, turn of phrase.

I like when people make you laugh by speaking in newspaper headline terms about bizarre events. I used to live on this very busy road that my friend Jen was convinced I would meet my demise while fetching the days post. There wasn't a time she was there (lounging around smoking cigarettes) that I wouldn't come in the front door with the days correspondence that she wouldn't say, "West Chester woman-child dies while retrieving the mail. Story at Eleven."

Now just as my good friends, the people who love me, would never say, "Crack," (or probably do it for that matter). They will also try and delight me with the way they speak or write. I have a friend who teased me all week with a word he had on a tablet (not a notebook, Friends, tablet) and he also found this word on a card he was sending to me. He gave me hints. It starts with an "A" ends with a "T", three syllables. It stumped me all week, until I got the card. :)

So, is there a point to this whole bit of blathering about what entertains me?
YES!
Last night Saige and I were at Twist's house for a delicious home made dinner. As we were clearing stuff up Twist leans into me. The twinkle in her eyes let me know that I was going to enjoy what came next. She started to refer to something and said, "You know I found...(not to be named)... supremely pathetic." It honestly made me fall on the floor laughing. Supremely pathetic? Can you imagine what you deserve to get that title? I had tears streaming down my face because I knew it already. I could have called it from a million miles away but the fact that she said it, well, just took it to a whole new level.
Saige came down the stairs, "Are you guys okay?" my daughter asked. "Fine, why?" I said, confused. "It's just that you're screaming down here," she had a slight look of concern on her face. Kirsten kicked up in a handstand and said, "It's just your Mom Saige, she's... odd."

Some I Like:
chastise
clever
kindred
kismet
rhapsody
plethora (this can really go either way)
zingy, (Zongy and Bittera)
phantom
flighty
paws
poppy
pink
perhaps
illustrious
delightful
decadent
tricky
hither (as in come)

Dislike:
placate
when people say "pressed" instead of "ironed"
drapes
purse
puss
piss
smelt
buoyancy (I just don't like it)
lam
ball breaker
oodles (yuck)
ignorant

Okay, I'm going to read Postsecret now...

Yeah, Yeah, What She Said... The BOOTS...

2009-10-07T22:28:00.009-04:00

As quoted by Asude...
don't forget to start tomorrows story with me, the morning after drinking 2 white wines, a mojito, a cosmo, a crazy pineapple vodka drink, two glasses of red wine, and two beers, didn't throw up or get hung over. I win.

And I think Christy was just being nice. I scared her off. I was a hot mess. You were brilliant. Her husband came to save her!

You forgot to mention the dorky guy doing handstand pushups and he bet you couldn't do them and you did more than him.

AND you forgot to set up the boots with me talking about them in the car on the way up and at the bar with your brother and Kevin. sheesh Amy, do I need to write this myself?!?!

Oh, and when you post a pic of the boots, please crop out my rained on mess of top half!

You totally won Girl! No doubt. I slept way longer and my brother did too! You are the Queen of the Alcoholics! I am going to make you a crown. Just like I am making your birthday and Christmas presents (cause MHHAG). You better hope you don't get any soda bottles. My brothers will all tell you that was one of my big gifts as a child.

Let me start by saying, and I am a little embarrassed about this... I totally forgot about that idiot challenging me to hand stand push ups. That's really neither here nor there though because I believe what you are hoping for is a post about "the boots."
Ah, the boots. The hooker boots. We did talk about over the knee hot hot boots on the way up in the car. You were wanting them before we even got to the chosen land and the amazing and wonderful Roanne the store manager who knew my life story in the first five minutes we were in the store. There wasn't even a cat in there!

So Asude and I went into this beautiful Italian shoe store. She found a pair of amazingly, insanely, sexy, thigh high black suede boots. It was a little magical. My heart still beats a little faster when I think about it. But alon, I mean alas, Asude could not bite the bullet because the boots bordered on Israel, I mean pricey. We decided to let Roanne hold them while we walked around the city. We hit every shoe store from Chelsea to Soho. Oh how Suzie tried to make them work. She would see a cheaper pair and get all excited. She would put them on and sometimes she just knew it was wrong, sometimes it was me who had to say, "Please take them off, they are offending me." Or, "You look like a pirate Matey. Buy them and lets go hijack something with our claw paws." So see, nothing worked. Once you put on thousand dollar pair (just kidding Mr. Asude) of boots, cheap copies are nothing more than cheap copies and truthfully just offensive to the already shattered psyche. ;)

We finally came to a decision and Asude sold some of her frozen eggs and decided to purchase the real boots. She needed a little liquid courage because the nine cocktails from the night before were long gone out of her blood stream. We went to Live Bait, contemplated a minute and headed back to the store. My brother met us there and gave the nod. That would be the "Gay nod," to those in the know. That is the ultimate acceptance. A gay man thinks something you are wearing is hot. You are hot. No questions asked. Just pass go and don't get caught collecting your two hundred dollars unless you have an internet friend who knows the inner workings of Western Union and a friend in the FBI.

To date she has worn them twice. That's only five hundred dollars a wear! (Just kidding AGAIN! Mr. Asude).

BTW Slackers, "Everybody's got a dream!" is from Pretty Woman! Duh! The originator of the over the knee hooker boots.
Love, Your Beck and Call Girl Who Loves to Smell the Ocean through Pinecones

Suzy with the bag in her hand

That cat from Shrek
(and Suzie, you're not a hot mess, his apartment is because we tend to trash the place...)

New York: This is A Long Story

2009-10-07T10:45:00.003-04:00

Ok, Suzie, I will talk New York, New York, the city of dreams... For you. Cause you know why? Everybody's got a dream! Can anyone name that movie line? It's from our most talked about movie of the weekend, but we'll get to that later.

Asude and I went to New York to see my gorgeous gay brother that every woman and man I know gets a crush on. Since I was a little kid and my friend Laura ran up to him, grabbed his arm and kissed it. I guess that's what happen when your soul is so pure. It radiates. Anyway, enough gushing about Mark. This isn't about him! Well, not this part, not yet.

So we also went to meet Christy and went from cyberspace to IRL friends with her! We met her at a bar. We had planned on being totally normal and showing that internet friends aren't crazy axe murders IRL (fingers crossed, right? :) ). Unfortunately our plan was foiled because on the way up to the city I heard some disturbing news. This news sent me into a little bit of shock. Sue had to take over driving. Sue had to be our adult supervision. Sue is known to put away nine cocktails in a night. :) Uh oh...
So we had a great dinner with beautiful Christy. She was fun. She didn't even seem to mind our craziness. We bar hopped. I did a few handstands. Sue made us laugh. Then Marc and Kevin showed up. That's when we thought we lost her.
The five of us went to another bar. Mark ordered us wine and cheese cause we are very civilized in my family. The only thing is this was about our fourth bar and people like to buy drinks for you when you do handstands so we were verging on silly. Christy went to the bathroom and we thought we lost her. Sue looked at me and said, "Was I to loud? Did I scare her away?"
She came back!
She liked us. Right Christy? You did right?
We love you!
We finished off the night at a gay bar where it took all of 30 seconds to find a gay boyfriend. Sue and I didn't stay long though. We decided to call it a night.
We went back to my brothers apartment, fell asleep and accidently locked out my brother for the night. Whoopsie.
New York- The first Five Hours!
Tomorrow Suzy, the boot story.

Twisting the Day Around

2009-10-01T06:58:00.004-04:00

Yesterday started out a little rocky. It could have gone one of two ways, like they all can, up or down there Twisty, just like a handstand can go. I chose up. It looked a little shaky there for a bit but in the end it was all good.
I couldn't seem to get out of the house yesterday morning. I had a long list of things to do (you know, like a million) and I needed all the time I could wring out of the day. It just wasn't taking though! I kept getting side tracked. So finally I was ready to go. The pool guys were in the back yard closing the pool for the season (cause I live in one of those states where it gets cold) and I had my gym bag ready to go and was on the phone with a really awesome friend of mine that I haven't talked to in a while. I was so happy chatting away, while trying to get out the door.
I was putting my big German Shepherd in the mudroom (cause the pool guys were outside in her backyard and she can't be trusted anywhere near the kitchen without adult supervision) to stay while I was gone. All of the sudden she started to spin around and fell hard on the floor. She was having a seizure. This is very scary to see. It's also scary when it's over because her brain has to regulate itself from where ever she has gone and it can be a little unnerving because she is very agitated. Once she came out of it and was a trying to come back I got her to eat two valium (yum) and started to clean up. That was almost the last of the valium. She needs that! I called the vet. I am going to get her some more. Now, not that I care about this, but did you know dog valium and people valium are the same thing? Just a side note there.
Then I got it all together and she was calm and I made her a comfy spot and she rested while she was in there and probably didn't mind being inside while the men closed the pool at all cause she was all relaxed and comfy. So that could be considered good.
I finally left. When I got halfway to the gym I looked down on the seat next to me and realized my wallet wasn't there. I totally knew it was gone. I had a feeling it wasn't going to have fallen between the seats. A little something in my head told me I had left it somewhere. I mentally retraced my steps and saw it in the front of the grocery cart the night before. My daughter had called me right when I was unloading the groceries in the car and I got distracted and left it there. I called 411 (although I was itching to dial 911), I got customer service from the store and they had my wallet in the safe! See, that could of gone bad too but it didn't. I learned a little lesson, got my wallet, all good.
I figured I had at least one more good thing coming to me because these things happen in three's. I ended the afternoon in the Apple store for a website lesson. I love the Apple store people so much that even though I don't bake I always feel like bringing them a big old tub of brownies. Yesterday's lesson was the same. Fantastic.
Just making some lemonade.

Go Big or Go Home

2009-09-10T21:41:00.003-04:00

So cool to see. This is from Weeds (the best show on tv) This is Michael Franti's, "Say Hey." Totally fun song.

Oprah got 20,000 people involved because she's Oprah. This made me smile ear to ear.

Music is the answer. I remember when I was a kid wishing they made boring lessons go to songs. I couldn't figure out how I knew every lyric to every song on the radio but state capitals and vice presidents just wouldn't stick in my head.
I think this little number, this three minute ditty shows that sometimes we can all just get along. If we try.

Dinner and A Show

2009-09-08T22:48:00.003-04:00

It was a nice good old fashioned hang out night tonight. Japanese/Chinese food (thank God we ate that before I started reading blogs!) and a movie.

My daughter got braces today and wanted lo mein and my son loves sushi so choosing the food was no problem. And luckily after an afternoon of getting food stuck in her braces and a very unpleasant to look at eating of a California roll the lo mein was pretty easy to eat for her.

Choosing a movie was a little bit more of a discussion. My daughter likes girl movies, my son likes movies he has already watched and I like movies that I think will make them laugh that are a little more old school. In the past when I get to pick they have seen Reality Bites, Stripes, Father of the Bride and a host of other 80's give or take movies. Tonight Chase wanted to watch Bruno (he'd already seen), Saige wanted Bridget Jones Diary ( I liked that idea too) but then I saw Burglar. I won. I won cause I'm an adult and what I say goes.

So I turn it on and inform them they will really like it. I go in the kitchen as it starts and I hear Saige say, "Oh, it's rated R Mom" I think for about thirty seconds and say, "Yeah, but that was from a long time ago, they didn't do bad stuff in movies then," and then I tried to think how a more responsible parent would so I said, "Well, maybe we shouldn't watch it," a little sad cause I'm like Chase and like to see movies I have already seen. Then Chase says, "It's fine Mom, there won't be anything bad." Oh, okay ten year old boy, I'll listen to you.

So we watch The Burglar, with Whoopie Goldberg. I hadn't seen this movie in a long time and I was right, it is so funny. It has Bobcat Goldwaith who in his day I found very annoying but in this movie is so funny. Dan, that husband from Roseanne as a cop before he became a superstar as DJ's dad and G.W. Bailey. G.W. Bailey from all the Police Academy's, A few Murder She Wrote, some made for tv movies, some episodes of M*A*S*H and even a couple episodes of Flo after she left Mel's Diner. Let me tell you something G.W. was so funny. One time, at band camp, he got mad at Whoopie while they were chatting on the phone and to make his point he started banging it against the window in the middle of the conversation! He did it three times at which point we were all giggling so hard I knew I had made a good choice.

During the movie Saige asked me if I had seen Caddyshack."Well of course I have, it's a classic," I replied. "Is it funny?" she asked. "Hysterical," I say. "Amanda says it's a must see movie," she said, Amanda being her adorable little friend. "Well that Amanda always has been clever."

Although Caddyshack is being saved for a later date. The next movie up is "What's Up Doc," one of my favorite of all time movies. That movie was released when I was 3 years old but I have a memory of laughing at it in the movie theater. Is that right Mom? I can't wait for them to see it. They better like it or else. Or else no Caddyshack for them.

Bye Summer

2009-08-31T07:23:00.004-04:00

The first day of school. This summer flew by. In an instant. In one second. Like a flash. Get it? It was quick. And now my daughter, my little girl, my baby is in middle school. That is just bizarre to me. She got hooked up with a late bus pick up this year. Which is nice. So she's already to go. Last night she took a shower and blew out her hair like a professional. She picked out the cutest outfit complete with little gold gladiator sandels. When I say little, I actually mean they are to big for me. So she's sitting at the counter having a little chill time after she ate, stretching out her long legs just cool as a cucumber. I am trying not to let her see how anxious I am. "Mom do my legs look tan to you?" that's what she just asked me. Oh my God, I could not love this child anymore.

This year my two little Irish twins are in two different schools so Chase has not graced us with his presence yet. He gets to sleep a few more minutes than her, which is nice. When he gets up she will be walking out the door. That means a little time with both of them in the morning and no fighting. I have a feeling this is going to be a good year.

Also as Chase told me last night because he is in the highest grade his school has, he is now, "The King of the School." It's good to be king. Not only that but he has the best teacher you can get in the whole school. As much as kids and parents hope and pray not to get the "mean" ones or the "bad" ones, we hope and pray that when 5th grade comes around they get Mr. V. Saige had Mr. V. last year. We have been very fortunate, it makes getting up for school so much easier.

I did just see on a note that came home from Chase's teacher it said, "Bring in a book you are currently reading." I read that out loud to Saige and we both started to laugh. I just told Chase that and he said, "I am going to be honest with Mr. V, and tell him I am not reading one darn book." I'm going to miss summer but thank God school is starting before he just forgets how to read all together.

The Toothfairy, Yes or No?

2009-08-26T23:19:00.002-04:00

Listen to me. When did the tooth fairy become such a production? I'll admit that I am old, whatever, but honestly I'm kind of feeling superior about that right now. When I was a kid I didn't expect presents and a song and a dance or a hundred dollar bill when I lost a tooth. I expected like a buck at best. That's if the tooth fairy had given away all her shiny quarters.

Nowadays it's like a Broadway show, or at least the price of a ticket when nature occurs and one of your kids teeth falls out. Don't even get me started about when they get pulled, Jesus, you need to take out a loan for that nonsense.

The first time my daughter lost a tooth we were away in the mountains. Snowed in. Marc had hundreds in his pocket. I suggested we put some nuts under her pillow and call it a "food gift for the weather" he gave a hundred dollar bill. You can imagine how disappointed next time when we were home and completely forgot to put anything under there cause we'd had a few cocktails at dinner.

That's called, "The Early Morning Tooth Fairy Better Be Really Clever," so as not to wake the little sleeping angel when trying to get the tooth out and slip a little five spot under there sweet little head.

Those kids are wiley though! If you can't find the tooth or don't want to disturb them to much and miss taking it, they'll try to put it under a second night! One time Saige even wrote some note for Chase to the Tooth Fairy explaining why he should get paid twice. I think it was a good argument too.

Recently I was up in Maine with my very talented friend, and her daughter lost a tooth. My overachiever friend got her laptop out and was doing the google for origami with money! I swear to God. She made a bang up butterfly too out of some dollar bills. Then she cut up tin foil out into little pieces for "fairy dust." She sprinkled a trail from the door to the pillow. Saige was sitting down with us while she was doing that and the little hundred dollar ingrate had the nerve to ask me why I never did anything like that? Um...Let's see. I'm stupid, I guess. I don't know why. It never occurred to me. After about the sixth lost tooth I started to forgot until the morning, would have no cash and have to go steal it from my son's piggy bank to put under her pillow. Origami and cut up kitchen products would have been a bit of a stretch. However, I have made some mental notes for my next life time. I sure hope I have the same kids. If I do I'm totally going to make balloon animals out of money and capture some real fairies to keep in cages by the side of their beds then I am going to serve cake for breakfast and have magic elves carry them to school! I think that will make them totally happy. :)

It's Been A Wait

2009-08-18T18:32:00.003-04:00

A long time ago I wrote a little ditty about my favorite book. The Time Travelers Wife. I love this book so much. After I read it I told everyone I knew to read it. I judged people on whether they liked it or not. Like it, I'll be your friend. Don't like it, beat it. Thank God my Mom loved it. I wasn't ready to let her go.

Actually quite a few people just didn't get it. Or they would say they couldn't get into it. Seriously then, please put the book down. Get off the babysitter Joel. I didn't want to have to explain to people why I loved this book so much. For a long time I didn't even understand what the draw was for me. Now I do.

Tonight my friend Lisa and I are going to see the movie together. I'm a little anxious cause if it was anything like that debacle of the movie version of the book Twilight I am going to throw a fit right in the theater. If I like the book I want to love the movie, like Shawshank. I am crossing my fingers and praying to the Sun that it's good. I don't expect great. I just don't want to have to stamp my feet and throw stuff in the theater. Although Lisa is usually entertained by me so I don't think I'd lose a friend. And there is always that after movie cocktail to look forward to no matter what. Silver lining, I hope I don't need it for this one.

Fingers crossed.

Slacker Tom is Here!

2009-08-14T21:19:00.011-04:00

I am very outdoorsy now.

Today we went on a ten mile hike today over rocky terrain. Kirsten told me we were just going to the beach. I wore platform flip flops. I had to go bare foot most of the time.

It was the most fun ever.

So we are leaving tomorrow morning. We had the best time.

We rowed boats.
We dove off really bouncy diving boards.
We saw eagles and a loon.
We went to Schoodic.
Saige ran her first four miles.
We kayaked.
Saige and Chase made a homemade blueberry pie.
There is a new mantra by Grayden, "Om namah naamyschromm."
We went to Nervous Nellies.
We went to the emergency room.
We ate lobster.
We hiked.
Then we hiked some more.
We did yoga tricks all over the state.
We drank blueberry mojitos.
Saige learned to knit.
Grayden (3 yrs old) said, "Amyshromm, do you know how to knit?" I said, "No." He whispered to me, "Maybe I could teach you."
We made a bear trap.
We caught a cat.
We drove to the top of Cadillac Mountain.
We fed children a lot of icecream.
We picked blueberries.
We saw many Unexpected Treasures.
We watched Cash Cab.
We laughed.
We made some new friends.
We cut Chase's hair.
We went to Acadia.
We stayed up really late.

Now my kids can never say,
"Well I've never been to Maine
But I kinda like the music
Say the ladies are insane there
And they sure know how to use it
They don't abuse it
Never gonna lose it
You can't refuse it."

So I've got that going for me...

Twist, say it with me...
"Om namah naamyshromm."

Ice Cream All Day Long

2009-08-13T22:19:00.013-04:00

Today was quite an adventure. It started with a three hour drive to what I thought was possibly North Carolina. We were following Twist and her wee ones and I'm quite sure we had to switch from the EZ pass to the Sunpass.

We finally arrived in a cute little town where Twist announced to everyone that they could get ice cream all day long. As many times as they wanted to. They could choose to eat only ice cream if that was what they were feeling today. So we sat down in the morning to their first cone. I made friends with a lovely older couple that later Twist completely scared off by scolding the woman for even mentioning that the dead bat could be carrying disease. Whatever.

We walked through the town and I took a million pictures. Twist singing opera. Saige doing handstands. Our adorable kids and whatever else made us smile...

(Chase made me post this)

Then we went to the coolest place eva. I should have known it was going to be fun when while following Twist in her car she came to a three way intersection in the middle of no where and started doing donuts. I followed her. She finally stopped after we had made about ten passes, she looked out the window and said, "See if you can catch me," and took off like the proverbial bat out of hell.

After she did ninety through a slow zone we arrived at Nervous Nellies Jams and Jellies. If the name isn't enough to make you love it the fact that her artist husband has make an entire enchanted forest out of junk. It was so much fun.

I took 225 pictures. This could go on and on. I just put some favorites so my kids could remember their holiday in Maine with the Auntie Twistavarkski. There is nothing remotely odd about any of it.

Not even on the car ride to lunch when Chase said, "I don't trust you and Kirsten." I don't get that at all...

Twist- You're Batty

2009-08-13T20:50:00.002-04:00

Another Vacation-Another Night In the Emergency Room

2009-08-12T23:03:00.003-04:00

Apparently setting traps for bears was not our smartest of ideas.

That's not why we were in the hospital tonight though. It is a true fact that many vacations, camp sessions and even occasionally a day trip to Hershey Park can include a trip to the emergency room. We have had broken ankles from surfing, strep throat on a holiday, stitches, a few things I am sure I am forgetting and tonight a baseball size bump on Saige's stomach.

So off we go to the Small Town Maine Hospital. Five hours in an emergency room is a long time. Probably about 95 songs on the shuffle if you were measuring by music.
In case this ever happens to you, here are some suggestions of what to do in the emergency room
1. Cash Cab! I am not a big tv watcher. I had never seen this show before. Saige totally turned me onto this show while in the waiting room. It was the most fun! The guy and the people and the cab and the questions! Every time I got an answer correct I would blurt it out to her. Then when I found out I was right I would be like, "Did you hear that? I got that one!" She would look at me with amusement and say very patiently, "I know Mom. I heard you." Sweet kid. Then this old man who was the biggest know it all comes in and totally steals my thunder. He knew all the answers, he informed us that he had a subscription to National Geographic for 15-20 years and he read them from cover to cover. Whatever, bragger.
2.Handstands in the hall way (that's a given). Saige is really good at this game.
3. Ask the woman in the blue jacket incessantly if our turn is soon.

And...well... that's about it.

When Cash Cab ends we are stuck with a cartoon and a long wait. Finally we go in the room. Which is actually just another waiting room. This is where we became punch drunk. The nurse came in and handed Saige a gown, she said without any accent at all, "Now take off your Wooly and I will pull the curtain for pri-va-Cee." I would have to say that I liked this very much. I like the word wooly, I like how she prounced privacy but I would really like to see someone with a stethoscope walk through the door.

In the end we left with no real answers from the doctor, some steroids, antibiotics and a prescription or two. He didn't think it was funny at all when I asked him to throw an extra one of pain killers while he was at it.

On the way home we got lost. Typical, normal, par for the course. Waiting room for five hours, starving, dark, strange place, I go 20 minutes in the wrong direction. Just another day.

When we walked in the door Chase had made plates of food for us and cut it up so we didn't have any work to do. He was so worried about Saige. I am saving this post for him. A little absence made him appreciate us more and I think he was actually a little jealous of our Cash Cab watching, poor sweet angel.

We also watched Twist cut her on hair this morning, collected items for the bear trap, in fact, Kirsten asked the man at the store if he had any bear calling whistles (he didn't think that was funny either), broke two glasses simaltaneously in two different rooms, learned to knit, saw the eagle again, divers rock, heard the worlds largest bullfrog. Sang Jeremiah was a bullfrog, thwarted a bear attack on the way down to the dock at one in the morning for star gazing and saw some shooting stars.

Picking Little Blue Balls in the Bush By Bar Harbor and A Big Black Bear in A Bark Bungalow

2009-08-11T20:11:00.010-04:00

I'm so addicted to... all the things you do... when you are playing the alphabet game.

So today we went to Acadia National Park. I'm a total park girl. At least that's what Twist says when she is hurling shoes at my camera.

Have I mentioned that she is a home schooler?

So we took a fun hike where she insisted that I walk on a broken tree way out over the water and perform tricks. Of course I did, because that's what I do. She is a teacher. I should listen.

We spent some time there. After Kirsten addressed all the water fowl in the pond and thanked them for listening to her good word we sat down to lunch at the park where Chase did order a lobster by the way. Our waiter whose name was either Kyle, Michael or Scott was very kind. As he walked away the first time, Kirsten said, "I'm thinking theater major."
The day was off to a good start!

We then winded our way up to the top of Cadillac Mountain where there were tricks to be done and blueberries to be picked. Kirsten and I spent some time performing a Cirque de Soleil skit on a boulder while our children ran wild around the mountain. They were picking blueberries. They were off in pairs scarfing up sweet wild blueberries while another group of children came down by us. Kirsten and I were sitting watching the kids when we heard a little tune...
"We are picking little blue balls in the bush by bar harbor! -W are - on -the -top -of the mountainnnnn. We pick them to eat-for -dinner. They are red and blue and green and white- we can't eat them right away..." This went on and on by a very clever little girl. She had some lyrics going. Her sister was doing the mixxing the lps on the turntable near by.

After a little bit a man came by with a container for the girls to put the stolen berries. Kirsten, who is so very clever, quite like Nancy Drew, deduced that this was the father of the little singers. In her very kind way she said to the man, "Are they your girls?" He wanted to ignore us. He made himself turn around and give us a short nod as he said, "Yes." Kirsten, not detered by his shortness said, "We have really been enjoying listening to them singing." He barely nodded at us. This is when she turned into Twist. She looked at me and said, "Yeah, he probably can't stand it. On the car ride here he was losing his mind, (she started imitating him) " Jesus! Shut the f*&k up! You haven't stopped singing since Nevada. Can I get five minutes of peace in this car you little bastards!" Um hmm. Um hmm. Um hmm.

We rounded up our people and headed home. On the way in a lot of traffic I see her turn signal go on, I look to the left and a big huge sign says, ' Church of the Savior- Jehovah's Witness's.'
"What's so funny Mom?" my kids ask.
"Kirsten is insane, that's all."
"Oh, okay," they granted me way to easily.

Later at home Kirsten was collecting kindling for a camp fire.
"Dude! Come here. I need you to see something," she says to me.
"What?" I was very busy with my blueberry mojito.
"You need to see this!" she insisted.

I walk over and she points to the woods. "What is that?" she asks me as she points to something that looks strangely like a skull. To the left was an odd little make shift den with some empty bottles inside. "What do you think lives in there?" she asks.
"A bear! Let's leave it some honey tonight!" I say. I just love bears. They are so cute and cuddly.
"That's not a good idea," she says.
"I think it is," I say.

So we have a plan. Tomorrow we are going to go to Home Depot and get some blue chalk and white paper. We are going to leave some cat food in the middle of it and see if we can find the paw prints. We are going to have the children take turns during the night on shift work. They might as well earn their keep. Lazy bastards.

Cut and Color

2009-08-11T07:56:00.005-04:00

Chase had (see the tense I'm using there Mom?) really long, shaggy hair. I am all about freedom of hair cut, get your ears pierced, wear some goofy sneakers if they make you feel cool. Go get 'em. When I can't see your eyes anymore cause your hair is just falling in front of them and you have to keep your head at a odd angle to see I think you need a trim.

I tried to bribe Chase with many things in order to get a hair cut. Stay home from school, a day trip to New York, even a complete get out of jail free card for the next time he does something wrong.
"No. No. No," he said.

Last night was the night. My friend Twist is a jack of all trades. She's got her own hair cutting scissors (not in the same way I have my own dog grooming shaver thing, she's on the up and up). Chase and she did the google :) "long shaggy haircuts," he chose one. She started cutting. The amount of hair that came off him was unbelievable. I had to keep dancing around him like a nutcase with a broom and removing the evidence.

It looks awesome. I can see his beautiful face again. It's still long but it has a style now.

I put up that nice peaceful picture at the top of this post cause it's peaceful. I am hoping that's how he wakes up. Positive thinking.

I had to promise him that he could dye it brown. That makes a little nervous.

He's totally getting Lobster!

A Word To the Wise

2009-08-11T00:59:00.007-04:00

Or not so wise.
You can all thank me later.
So lets say you decided to take a little vacation to Maine.
Lots of people do. People in general (except me) love lobster. I can't stand it! The fact that they are alive when you put them in the pot makes me want to throw up. I have no high moral ground of eating no chicken and wearing no leather and not looking a rottweiler in the eye at dusk on Tuesdays but live lobsters being killed for the feast grosses me out. Whatever.
That being said, it is Chase's favorite dinner. My ten year old is a very expensive date. I haven't told him that Maine is famous for lobsters yet. I'm going to wait til we get home and people ask him if he ate a lot of lobster. He will question me why we didn't and I will say, "Oh, I forgot."
just like he did when I asked him where the old sneakers I asked him to pack were.

Where was I? Oh yes, about to give out valuable advice.
So you go here:

This is Schoodic. It's a rock pennisula in Maine. It's super cool. You can walk on the rocks, or just hang out.

Perhaps you just want to take in the views

Here's the advice part:
Don't go out on the ledge. You get yelled at by the ranger person and possibly killed by a rogue wave. Now I don't want anyone killed but I do love the words, "rogue wave," it makes me sound so smart, like I know what I'm talking about. I really don't. Don't believe anything I say. Except you. You believe me right?

Anyway, apparently once a year people get killed at this very spot. I think I should tag this as, "feel good story," I don't really know how to do that but when I do I will come back to this.
Back on track!
We went there and Kirsten kept saying, "Look at those idiots! Who would go out there? People are so stupid! Don't they know a wave could come up out of no where and wash them away? No one survives! Those morons try to swim in and get pounded by the rocks. Every year! Another one down."

I swear this is true.

My eleven year old leans over to me and says, "Mom, if it wasn't for her, we'd be out there taking pictures, right?"
"You betcha baby. We'd be out at sea being thrashed against rocks as we speak!"

Luckily Twist was there. The funny thing is that when we got home she tried to get me to do a handstand with no hands on the ground. For realz. She billed it as, "great fun," which honestly it was but still. She's an enigma. Right? Right?

Now If I Were the King of the World

2009-08-08T19:48:00.009-04:00

I tell you what I'd do. I'd throw away the cars and the bars and the wars and let...
Slacker Tom watch the kids

While
Mommy does Yoga

Maine Day One-
Kirsten made enough blueberry/zuchinni pancakes for the entire state-
We saw a Golden and a Bald Eagle and found a feather from one-
We went to divers rock-

In which I made a mockery of anyone that has ever rowed a boat-
I made a huge deal about bringing my camera, only to realize it was out of batteries-
Chase had attitude-
He made some friends-
And then got to ride jet skis as a reward for said attitude-
I made Saige run four miles with me and we saw a dead snake-
We performed a religious ceremony-
Much like my atheist friend Twist did for this plant

We did yoga tricks on the dock-
Like the "free schooler" she is, Kirsten gave us a lesson on how to open a bottle of wine by banging it on a book against the wall-

Saige and I went on a treasure hunt for garlic and onions-
We had a bonfire and roasted marshmellow while-
Twist suggested the children play a campfire game called "Whoever can attract the bats isn't a baby."
They played-No bats came-

And then there was Ruben...

Moose, Making Out and My Moon Children

2009-08-07T22:23:00.005-04:00

Eleven hours that turns into twelve is a long time in the car. It is 202 songs on the shuffle when you count the ones I skipped cause I didn't feel like listening to. I was like the music nazi in the car. I have a lot of remixes on my IPod. I love them. Every once in a while one would come on and Chase would say, "I don't like that version, can we listen to the original?" A nice mother would say, "Of course Sweetie." Not me. I said, "If you want to go ahead on your IPod, this is my music." As an after thought I did say in a kinder voice, "Maybe it will come on the shuffle if you're patient." I was adamant about leaving it on the shuffle the entire time. I am really annoying too because I know every lyric to every song on my IPod and I sing the entire time. Non stop. Like that psycho chick in the movie with Ben Stiller. Just like that.

Driving from Pennsylvania to the top of Maine is somewhat similar to driving to South Florida. You pass through a lot of states rather quickly. Although there is no South of the Border up in the North East, if you can believe that, which is a bummer cause I LOVE South of the Border. The thing is when you get to the bottom of Maine, similar to when you get to the top of Florida, you have a long way to go. I looked at my Nav as I was telling my friend we just passed the Maine border and realized we still had about 5 hours to go. I don't understand that. Maine is like 3/4 inch big on the map. Let's face it, it's no Wyoming.

That being said, at some point my kids want me to shut up the singing. We play the all the car games, or at least that one that you go through the alphabet and say a name and a husbands name and where you live and what you sell. It's amazing how juvenile one can become nine hours into a road trip. Even if you're forty. Age doesn't count when you are cracking yourself up. Right?
"E my name is Eeyore. My husbands name is Egbert," I start with.
"Mom! Eeyore is a boy!"
""This is a gay couple. Now stop speaking out of turn," I say.
"We sell elegant edible undergarments for the elderly and we live East of the Elephants elbow in Egypt," I say proudly.
"Mom, this isn't Scattergories, you don't get more points for more E's."
" Oh yes I do, I think I just won the game with that and we're not even halfway through the alphabet."

At one point Saige said, "Chase is making out with his bear! He is so disgusting." I attempted to ignore the whole thing. Then she said, "Did you tell Mom about camp?" For this the music gets lowered a decibel. "What, did you make out at camp?" I ask, I haven't heard of this before. "Who did he make out with?" I ask Saige. "He won't tell me. I don't have a name," she said. "Did you make out or kiss?" I ask. "Just kissed, " he said. "What's the difference?" asked Saige. (I was curious too.) "When you make out, you mix tongues and exchange gum," Chase informed us. Very Good. Nuff said.

Sign- MOOSE- Next 10 Miles.
"Do you think we'll see one Mom?" Chase asked me.
"YES!"
"Good thinking positive Mom," he returned with.
"Good looking out Brother."
"Man, there are a lot of really cute dead animals on the side of the road," he said, somewhat dismayed.
"Well, you know what to do," I reminded him.
Insert our fake cross sign here.

"That is the most beautiful Moon I've seen!" Saige declared.
She was right.
It was huge and yellow. It looked like we were about to drive into it.
"Let's take a picture of it."
"Maine has the best moon ever." Saige said.
"Except that one in California," my little one upper chimed in.
Whatever, we are Moon people.

Family Car Rides Are Fun!

2009-08-07T06:55:00.005-04:00

Saige and Chase and I are taking a little road trip today to see my lovely fairy godchildren and their slightly Twisted Mother way up in Maine. This road trip will take approximately 11 hours. Huh. I didn't give that much thought until this morning. Luckily Saige and Chase are very resourceful children and gathered all they will need to keep them occupied for an eleven hour trip. Saige was so pleased with herself for not even glancing in the Teen Vogue that had come in the mail so she would have it to enjoy in the car, they've got magazines and movies out the wahzoo. They've actually got more than enough movies to make it across the country and back. Books, ITouchs, IPods, laptops, it's unbelievable.

I remember when I was a kid we would take a different eleven hour drive to Hilton Head, my parents, my three brothers, myself all in a station wagon and the only thing we would have to play with was the fast food Styrofoam trash. I can't even imagine what it would have been like to have all the gadgetry and paraphernalia of todays day and age. I am thankful though for the toys now, those long trips to South Carolina would make two of my brothers on the verge of stir crazy. There is only so long you can play the license plate game while someone else is poking you in the eye.

Of course my brother Mark and I would be angels lying in the "way back." It was all about safety those days! I don't even remember if that car had seat belts. I know it had a lighter in the back seat cause my brother Chris would threaten to burn me with it.

Anyway, long car rides caused Scott and Chris to misbehave which drove my father crazy which made it slightly uncomfortable at times. There was nothing worse than hearing, "I'm gonna have to pull this car over." I remember it vividly after one time he found out that Chris had a knife back there. We would hear that threat come from way up yonder, Mark and I would roll our eyes and wait it out. I guess I'm thankful my own children have so much to keep them busy while I chain smoke and guzzle whiskey from the bottle to keep myself entertained. I just sure hope neither of 'em is carrying a knife.

The main problem is that I'm not sure what one does as the parent were you to pull the car over cause of fighting. Wouldn't that just leave you more time with the fighters? I guess I could just walk away but where would I go? It's a conundrum. So I'm just going to do what I always do, barely look at the road and txt my friends. No! I'm going to think positive and just hope we don't end up in North Dakota.

Tie Dying the Dog's Tail

2009-08-02T11:29:00.007-04:00

Summer is different these days than when I was a kid. So far this summer my daughter has been to overnight camp for two weeks, the shore for a week, New York to see a Broadway show, to some birthday parties, countless shopping trips, every movie there is to see and had a constant sleep over friend. I'm sure it's my fault. I'm the mother. Someday a shrink will make a lot of money off my mistakes.

So yesterday in the car when Saige said, "Can we go to 'Build A Bear' today?" It took every bit of restraint I have to say, "No fucking way." I didn't of course but I did say, "Seriously, are you kidding me? Build a bear? Uh... let me think. NO!"
"Why not? I want to make one for Mariah," Saige said.
"Mariah is 12. She doesn't need a build a bear. Hey, I've got a good idea, why don't you go home and rip up some of your old stuffed animals and make your own Build A Bear out of the parts?"
She looked at me like I was a nutcase.
"Well, what are we going to do today?" She really asked me that.
"Um, I don't know. Why don't we clean out the gutters. Or get those toilets so sparkly we could eat off them. Perhaps we should spend the day picking up the back yard from the dogs."
"Mom! Stop it!"

Okay, we have a pool. You have a friend over. Why don't you show me how smart you are.

So we get home and she and Mariah are left to their own devices while I drive Chase to a friends house. When I get back they want to tie dye. This will require me going to the store, buying the supplies and cleaning up after them. Once again, big fat no.
A little later I go to pick up Chase and his friend so they can come swim. By this point my friend Ashley is here. The girls have complained to her they have nothing to do. She tells them to ask me if they can tie dye if they don't involve us. This requires them to walk to the store, buy the dye and do all the clean up. They ask, I agree (knowing that's not how it's going to play out but it will get rid of them for a good half an hour) and off they go.

Fast forward to tie dying time.

They tie dye shirts and socks and even a couple pairs of underwear and some feet. Then Saige says, "Mom can we dye Mickey pink?"
"Although I would like that, it's going to make a huge mess so no." I say.
Saige isn't big on the word no. She will access every situation and find a solution so it still goes her way.
"What about his paws. That would be cute."
"No. I'll have pink paw prints everywhere." I say.
"Well, how bout just his tail then?"
"No." I say, "He sleeps in my bed. He's going to mess up my clean sheets."
"It dries!"
"No."
"Please.
"Okay, fine," I'm a tough nut.
I'm in the kitchen making their dinner and I hear Saige say, "Come here Mickey. Don't be scared." That sends me into convulsive laughter. Poor Mickey. But what are dogs for if not tie dying them pink? Earn your keep dog!

Thank God they had already burned through most of the dye. Thank God they were using squirt bottles instead of a bucket.

It's raining today. I'm really to seeing what they hatch up for today's activities.

Not.

The Frog Whisperererer

2009-07-31T09:33:00.007-04:00

Another summer. Another frog. Little boys love frogs.
I don't think that changes. I love that about little boys. It's kind of comforting to see when you're watching your sweet baby boy get older. It's like watching a plant grow right before your eyes. He likes girls and has a tendency to talk trash, he tells me he's going through puberty, yes, tells me, he can moody, he won't get his hair cut, he has two pierced ears and will talk back at times. On the other hand he now likes to watch the same movies as me, will make himself breakfast and can have long discussions about past lives.
I love my children this age but there is something so hard about seeing time pass right before your eyes.
I am a huge proponent of change. I love change. Changing rooms around, a change of scenery, changing my outfit, changing gears, changing my tune and changing my toothbrush.
I just sometimes find it hard to see my sweet little angel changing into a adolescent.
I do have a constant though. A variable that has not changed. A couple really. He still will scream, "Mom! Mom!" from far away. When I yell back, "WHAT?" He'll say, "I LOVE YOU."
That and frogs like him.
He is the frog prince.
And mine too.

some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. delicious ambiguity...
-gilda radner

A Phantom and A Dream

2009-07-30T09:08:00.004-04:00

I love both those words so much.

Although I didn't like the Phantom of the Opera very much. Is that a bad thing to say? The truth is, I'm not all that good at big plays. I want to see them all. I love the stories, the music, the costumes, the whole feel of it. I just wish they could wrap it up in one act. I get fidgety. I can't sit still. It seems to take to long.

I also like the more current believable story lines, like The Lion King. I actually am not sure if Lion's can talk in real life but the costumes alone made the whole thing worth it. And that Timon and Pumba! I could have watched them all day long. I saw that twice. I still can't believe that Scar would do that to his brother.

My own brother and I have a long history of seeing shows together. When I was eleven years old my brother took me to see the movie Fame in an old movie theater in Narberth park. I will never forget that. I loved it. There were parts that seemed so grown up to me and I felt lucky that he took me. In more recent years we have seen additional shows like The Boy From Oz. With Hugh Jackman. My brother got us front and center seats. That was one show I wanted to last all night long. These are things that will last forever for me. Memories of time spent with someone I dearly love, just like a dream.

"This fleeting world is like a star at dawn, a bubble in the stream, a flash of lightening in a summer cloud, a flickering lamp, a phantom and a dream"- The Diamond Sutra

Wedding Crashers Vs. The Hangover

2009-07-24T10:08:00.003-04:00

Warning: Don't bother reading this if you haven't seen these movies or find them stupid. Check back tomorrow for my Siskel and Ebert revue of Shakespeare Vs Chaucer. Who was the bestest?

Yes, I'm a bit late to the game. I know the Hangover came out a long time ago, but I just saw it last night. Before I saw it I heard talk of how funny it was (which it was) and conversations pertaining to the argument of which was funnier, The Hangover or WC. I don't think there is even a competition here. WC was way funnier. It's not the The Hangover wasn't funny, it sure was but come on Vince Vaughn in the morning at the breakfast table scene after the night with the brother? Will Ferrel asking his Mom for meatloaf? these are things that just never die. I still giggle to myself when I picture the opening scene of WC in my head with Rebecca De Mornay in it. I laughed from start to finish in that movie. Come on.

The Hangover was good. I laughed a lot. I think I laughed at parts that wouldn't be funny to anyone else. Like when Bradley Cooper was leaving his teaching job and told the kids to beat it totally struck me as funny and when Allen came out in that t-shirt with the murse. I couldn't stop laughing at that. There were some good parts. I think I'll have to see it again before I know any particular lines. Cept one. You know what I mean.

I will say this, whoever casted that movie did a pretty stellar job. Jeffrey Tambor is so funny, even when his role is small. I totally love him. I get crap all the time for liking the movie, "Meet Joe Black," Jeffrey is in that too and he is one of the reasons I like that movie. Bradley Cooper was great. I didn't really like him before cause he was such a jerk to Owen Wilson in WC and I thought he was mean (Wait, characters in movies are just like that in real life, right?) In this movie Bradley was funny. I liked how he was nice to Allen after a while. And Allen! Allen rocked the house. Who is that guy? I didn't recognize him at all. When he roofied them and then didn't like curse words and dared Stu to pull out his tooth and was the rainman at blackjack and then sang the 'Best Friends' song, God, he was a little slice of heaven. Am I right or am I right? And Stu's chick, what a bee-yotch. That was funny too though.

And those pictures at the end. Oh. My. God. That was priceless.

So overall, I give it a huge thumbs up. Mike Tyson? Who does that? I like it. I will see it again. I did love Wedding Crashers more though if for no more than the line, Mom! The Meatloaf! ....
and
What are you doing? I never know what you're doing?
That just doesn't get old.

Mommy Swap

2009-07-23T09:21:00.003-04:00

This is the first week both my kids are home for the summer. And as I write this they are gone again. But we had the week. We played in the quarry and saw Harry Potter and then Chase got sick. Poor baby. Luckily I have medical degree that I found at a garage sale and extra antibiotics so I was able to squash it before it really got going. Yesterday he was so illin' though. I called the professionals and took him in to the 'doctor that talks to much'. We came home with a fresh batch of meds, I dosed him up, put the lime in the coconut, had him drink them both together and he feel asleep.

Meanwhile downstairs Saige was just begging me to help her with a puzzle. "Fine!" I said. So I sat down and started piecing it together.

She was watching 'Wife Swap'. This is the craziest show. They put these polar opposite Mom's in each other's houses and try to live the other's life. Like an Atheist and a Son of a Preacher Man, I mean wife of a Preacher Man or a Pig Farmer and a Belly Dancer. It's whack. Saige just loves it. She said to me, "You know why I love this show Mom, cause they're so different from each other." They sure are.

By this time we were on a second episode, it was a Wife Swap Marathon! Chase had woken up and was watching with us. As I was standing on my head trying to shake out the missing puzzle pieces or earrings or whatever else there was I said to them, "Do you guys think we should do this show?" They both yelled, "No! Never!" I said, "Why? Who do you think you guys would get instead of me?"
"Someone ugly," Chase said.
"That's not nice, really, what would she be like, your new Mommy? My replacement? The ying the my yang."
"The what?" Chase asked.
"Nothing, tell me what she would be like."
"She wouldn't like puzzles!" said smart ass Saige. I only have a slight addiction to my puzzle, I don't think it's anything to make fun of. I don't know where she gets that from.
"She'd have short hair," said Chase who has made it crystal clear to me many times that neither him or I would be cutting our hair in the foreseeable future.
"She'd make us go to church," Chase said. Insert me cringing here. To my credit, we do sing along to Mason Jennings and Jack Johnson sing, "Oh Jesus I love you and Buddha too! That and we cross ourselves when we see dead animals on the road. So we have that going for us.
"She would wear rags," said Saige.
"She would never play with us," Chase chimed in.
"She wouldn't be a show off on the diving board," said Saige. Hey shut up kid, who asked you?
"She would stay in all the time," Chase said, "and she'd be cheap."
"She would never laugh about stupid things," said my little wiseass girl.
"She would live on a farm," Saige added.
"But she would hate dogs!" Chase said.
"I wuv my widdle Micken so much. Don't I Mickerboy?" I baby talked to my furry white creature some call a dog.
"Why do you always use that crazy voice with the dogs?" Chase asked.
"Cause they like it, duh."
"She would be so mean," my angel daughter finally redeemed herself with.

Well that was a fun game. Not. So I'm looking for a mean, short haired dog hater who wears potato sacks and old cleaning rags, who can't do a trick in the pool to save their life and spends a lot of time in Church. I just don't want to stay at their house though, that sounds beat. I don't think I really want to trade at all.

Jump

2009-07-20T22:28:00.005-04:00

That's a title of an old Van Halen song. I once heard that old Van Halen is completely underrated. I'm not sure whether I like or dislike this statement. Perhaps it's not a matter of liking so much as agreeing or disagreeing but I do enjoy deciding if I like or dislike something. It makes things very clear.

Clear like the water in this quarry. This is where my babies played today. This totally cool big log was floating around in the middle of it. To play on. Genius. Apparently it was part of the old quarry place, the boom. That's what it was. One day this guy who worked there got fired. He went out and had a few drinks and then came back and chopped it down or something and the quarry filled with water and now we can play on it. Do yoga tricks and back dives off it. I'm pretty sure that was his intention a gazillion years ago. He was smart. Smart as a whip.

Saige practiced until it was like walking on the ground. It's not easy either. It's slippery and it spins when you are on it, That Cradle Will Rock. She didn't give up though. It's a good thing there was no Loss of Control cause I would have had to ask Somebody Get Me a Doctor. My Little Dreamer yelled Bottoms Up right before she Jumped. When Chase got up there with her it was a little battle we called When Push Comes to Shove she was On Fire though my Beautiful Girl. Could This Be Magic? I Had To Call the Icecream Man named Big Bad Bill is Sweet William Now for my kids cause Everybody Wants Some. Now they're Dancing in the Street.
Happy Trails...

Picking Up From Camp

2009-07-18T08:20:00.014-04:00

Usually driving to camp to pick up children is a routine kind of thing. I get it together at home, put the address in my nav (because it doesn't matter how many times I have gone to this camp, I still don't know how to get there), and get on the road. Nothing all that unusual happens. Well, last week I did get lost in a parking lot because of a detour. That would probably be considered slightly unusual for a different person, me... not so much.

Yesterday however my friend Ashley was kind enough to go with me. This made the whole trip an adventure. There is nothing "normal" about driving an hour and a half with her. She even told me ahead of time that this was a road trip and it was going to be fun. She packed herself a "snack pack" for the car. I have actually never seen someone fit so many fishies and pretzels in a zip lock bag at once. It bordered on impressive (or piggish) depending on how you look at it.

She activated her safety harness as the law states and we were on our way. We were barely out of PA when she spotted a groundhog! She notices everything. This groundhog was way out of any line of vision I had but she saw him right away which started the whole, "Well hello wittle groundhog. I yuv you so much, cute widdle cwitter. Hey, do you see the critter Amy?" Yes, I see him. I love him too. Let's see if he's there on the way back, perhaps we can get you a date.

Driving through Maryland it started to rain, the sky turned black, it started to pour, buckets of pounding rain. There were moments we couldn't see the road or even through the windshield. Ashley kept insisting it was a tornado. She started spouting off some sort of storm nonsense and how she could see the "devils fingers" of the tornado and that it was possible that our car could be picked up and whisked away at any second. I was hoping if all possible, perhaps it could drop us off at camp. Finally the rain stopped and the sun started shining and that was when what seemed like the drive through the safari part of Great Adventure started.

"A fox! Did you see that gorgeous fox! Oooooh so fluffy and regal was he."
"I didn't see any fox," I muttered. I like foxes. She gets to see everything as she sits there and stuffs her face with cheddar gold fish.

"Look at the cows! Take their picture! Stop the car."
I stop on the road and get my camera per her instructions. At that moment a particularly big guy decides to try and get a "date" with a pretty girl cow. She rebuffs his not so suave advances and waves to us with her paw. I mean foot. Or what are they called? Her flipper! The cow waves to us with her flipper. I take the picture and we start rolling again.

"Oh, it's a veal farm," she says morosely.
"I don't know what that entails but I don't like the sound of it, please stop talking," I say.
Of course she doesn't. Asking Ashley to stop speaking is like asking a small child to put down their sweet, sticky, sugary sucker.
"See all those little shacks over there?" she asks.
"Yes, I've seen them before. I think it's nice they each have their own little bed," I say. I actually did think this. I pictured them each having their own little home with a night table and their special things on it. Their nighttime eye patches so the early sun doesn't disturb them and their ear plugs so those pesky roosters don't wake them at the crack of dawn. I actually thought they were lucky cows to be so well cared for. Apparently I was wrong.
"Yeah, no, it's......." she starts explaining what they were really for.
"Stop it. Stop it. Stop it," I beg. "I can't stand it. Shut up."

A few minutes go by.
"I'm hungry," she says.
"Me too! I'm starving!"
"I could eat one of those cows," she says.
"Yes! A baby one would be nice right about now."

"Stop the car! Stop the car! I've got to move the turtle before you just run over him."
"What?"
"Stop the car!"
I stop the car. She jumps out and goes around the front and picks up a little turtle that had been in the middle of the road. She whispers to him closely and moves him safely to the other side of the road. "Make sure you put him in the same direction he was going," she informs me. "Or else he will turn around and end up in the road again."
Good tip. I'm going to file that away.

"That's so weird, cause last week there was a turtle in the middle of the road too!"
"Did you move him," she asks me with squinty eyes.
"Um, no. I didn't kill it though. I drove over him but he didn't get smooshed."
"You did kill him!" she yells at me.
"I did not. I saw his head pop up after through my rear view mirror," I say.
"He died a miserable death."
"Shut up."

"Oh my God! Look at all those bucks!"
"Oh my God! Look at that female deer trying to intimidate us!"
"Oh my God! Look at the baby bunny!"
"Oh my God! Look at that osprey nest!" "We're stopping at that on the way back. Did you know you can fit a volkswagon in an eagle's nest? You should see the talons on birds of prey!"

We only have a mile left to go and then the whole ride home. I'm hoping to see a kangaroo, a crocodile and perhaps if it's not to much to ask, a polar bear. Anything is possible.

Growing Up

2009-07-13T22:14:00.005-04:00

"Sometimes really little things make me so happy," Saige says to me completely out of the blue as we were driving down the road today.
I have said this a million times. Little, seemingly ridiculous things give me unbelievable pleasure. So it delighted me to hear her say this totally without warning.
"Really, like what?" I ask.
"Well, the other day I was with Amanda at her club and they made frozen drinks," she said.
"That sounds nice."
"Yes, well I got a Pina Colada and Amanda got a Strawberry Daquiri and we had the new issue of Teen Vogue and we just lied on the lounge chairs in the sun and drank our drinks and read our magazine."
"That sounds like the perfect afternoon," I say.
"It was," she said smiling with a faraway look in her eyes.

What's that saying about the apple not falling far from the tree.

We spent the day at the beach with one of my friend Colleen and her daughter who I have loved since she was born. I even picked her name, Jordan. She was the first baby I knew. She was the reason I wanted a daughter so much. She's 14 now. Gorgeous and sweet and such a great kid. Watching her and Saige talk about boys and scope out the cute ones was amusing.
Until I saw this...

Yeah, I will be, Lifeguard With the Ponytail. You betcha.

One More Session

2009-07-09T20:47:00.003-04:00

My little angels have been gone for two weeks. They have been excited to go back to camp since they came home last year. They love it.

My friends and I discuss this sometimes, right Kathy? Camp people Vs. Non Camp People. It seems that if you went to camp as a child and you liked it you are the first one to sign up your own kid. Let's be honest. It's nice to have a little free time but the real reason you send them is because you know how awesome it is. Two weeks (or more) where you get to do whatever you want. Your life is pretty much run by teenagers. Every day without a thought in the world you get to socialize with tons of kids your age and older and younger. You get to sail and water ski, there are dances at night, you eat in big huge groups. You have 14 consecutive sleepovers. Yeah, that must really suck. :)

This is their third year. Before they left they could barely stand it. They packed and checked the list and reminded me of the things that aren't on the list that they need, like water balloons and oreos and important things like that. I got a couple really cute letters from my daughter. The only thing I got from my son was a call saying he maybe could of broken his wrist. It's like Groundhog day with that kid. Luckily he didn't, just a sprain. It didn't matter anyway cause he flat out told Marc that even if it was broken under no circumstances was he coming home.

Today I got another call from the camp. This time it wasn't about a trip to the emergency room. It was my little boy telling me he wasn't ready to come home. He wants to stay another session...

Dear Twist,

2009-06-29T21:47:00.004-04:00

Let Me Entertain You
Let me make you smile.
Let me do some new tricks (as in, "Hey Soccer Mom, look what i can do!-right Twisty?)

I am here to serve you. You know that. Your wish is my command. I have been trying to keep it on the down lo since my Mom thinks I'm losing it. I'm really not, It's you guys.

So here's what I've got. This past week and weekend (as we all know) I turned the big 4 0. So far, not such a big deal. I do feel that I'm smarter, stronger and much better looking than any of my three brothers. Just kidding. Are you still out there boys? Seriously, step up! I really meant that I did at 39 and 364 days. I can't tell you how many people asked me if I felt different at 40. Um, different than what? An eel? A roadblock? I don't get it. Enlighten me. I'm stoopid. No I don't feel any different. I feel like myself.

What else Twister? Oh yes, one of my bestest friends decided they now liked girls. She is a girl. So of course I was entertained by this all weekend. She has since changed her mind. Short lived but fun nonetheless. Oh well, easy come easy go.

My children entertained me before they left for camp for two weeks. Two weeks with barely a glance backwards. Saige and her friend basically kicked Marc out of their cabin when he dropped them off. I guess they were so sad they didn't want him to see them cry. Yeah right.
Before they left Saige got all her stationary and envelopes and addresses and stamps ready. Chase looked at me very seriously and said, "I'm not going to need that stuff. I won't be writing." I know Precious Angel. No one expects you to write. Just brush your teeth and I'll be happy.

So what have you been doing? How is that lazy ass husband of yours?

I miss my babies...

Off To A Good Start

2009-06-25T17:35:00.009-04:00

Summer's here. It was a rainy spring but I think it's done now. I think yesterday was the point where everything is going to come back to sunny again. I don't know why I think that, just a feeling. I can't remember if my kids have been out of school for one week or two. It's just a constant state of activity. I'm confused. Puzzled. I keep having these weird visions of haunted forests and sailor blazers. I wish it would stop. I'm just kidding Mom. There's nothing out of the ordinary at all.
Here, I'm going to go out on a limb and appear normal for one day and one day only. I'm not going to write anything (additional) that seems completely kooky and makes me look like a mental patient. I thought about converting for good, but decided against it. It doesn't seem like it would be quite as fun. I was going to ask someone but I couldn't find anyone who would know. Certainly not Twist. She's Twisted and she cuts her own hair. It looks good right? I was going to make it pink in photoshop, I think I still might.

Hmm... Not to these two either. Not by a long shot.

And dear dear MaryPat. Lord, there are not words. But damn, look at those arms.

Kathy, at one point I thought it might be you. Yeah. Not so much. That ships pretty much sailed. Same goes for the rest of you, especially Sue. You're married to Jason. Pass the popcorn. How's Bailey?

Thank you all.
Happy Summer...

Happy Birthday To Me.

2009-06-24T13:53:00.004-04:00

Stop bickering children. Hmm... am I talking to my actual children, the blog people or perhaps just myself?
Or all of the above. No fighting on my birthday. That's a rule.
And no calling me 351 either. I'm not a day over 250. God! It's a good thing I spent so much time living underwater or that might have hurt me feelings. Do you know that in addition to my stint in the Himalayas I also managed to keep myself from breathing at all for thirty days? Nobody can do that! Nobody. Cept me, duh.
My Mom kind of thinks all those comments from the previous post are from me just talking to myself. Which let me tell you, would be funny. Not really. I can assure you, they are not. Although the blog title is 'Crazy But the Cool Kind.' That might border on crazy but the crazy kind. Let me put your mind at ease Mommy. When I want to talk to myself I just e mail myself. I am very witty in e mails and I usually answer myself quickly therefore I make an excellent pen pal to myself. Well, not really pen so much as keyboard pal.

I'm not nearly as whack as some of my friends. You know who you are. I don't want to have to sensor you Peter Yorn's Mom but i will if someone starts approaching me with a straight jacket.

Where was I? Oh yes, I don't think any of you guys know this, but, today is my birthday!
Use it in a sentence...
"Today is Amy's birthday."
Very good. Now if I were going to answer myself, which I'll do later when I'm catching up on e mails to myself I'll respond to that by saying, "Thank you."

The Bless-ED Day Looms Ahead

2009-06-23T08:15:00.003-04:00

You all know that blessed is pronounced like the above when used in sentences pertaining to significant events, right? Like for instance, were you to go to a Peter Yorn concert and "accidentally" he slipped on some honey that came out of a bear that someone had greedily loaded their cup of tea up with at Starbucks and his shoe first got stuck and then he went flying because there were marbles and banana peels everywhere and he landed in the audience and the audience didn't recognize him, they thought he was some sort of duck and they got scared because ducks have a tendency to bite so they quick plucked him thinking if he had no feathers there was a smaller chance of him getting them with his beak but seeing as he really didn't have feathers to begin with they were his arms and the only thing they could get to come off were his posable (that's right) thumbs. He used to pose them a lot in a Fonzie way but that's all over now. So then Peter is carrying on because he's really sticky and he has no thumbs, posable or opposable to speak of and it's time for his second set. By this time the audience realizes their mistake. They are feeling a little stupid for mistaking Peter as a duck when he looks much more like a goose so they keep trying to pass him around the crowd like a balloon at a concert because they don't want anyone to think they did it. Eventually some trickster tries to pop the Peter balloon. Oh that smarted all right. He flew up in the air in pain but miraculously he managed to get to the stage. He looked at his watch and realized it was one day until it was exactly six months from Christmas Eve so he decided he should sing a special song. So he started with Happy Birthday because he likes to think of the baby Jesus as a mischievous badger. Don't we all?

Sunny Hours

2009-06-21T09:13:00.007-04:00

I give thanks everyday for these words that save my soul
I only got the sunny hours, the brightest hours of day
I never count the gloomy hours, I let them slip away

That's what Long Beach Dub All Stars sing. I don't think they live in Pennsylvania. I'm almost sure of it.

So Happy Summer Solstice, right? Here's a little Asude for you, Solstice is derived from the Latin words, Sol - Sun, duh and Sistere which means to stand still. So basically this is the day of the year that the Sun is supposed to stand still the longest so we can have a really long day. This is also conviently located very closely to my birthday and seeing as the Sun is my God of choice I think it is so fitting. Twist! Did you remember my birthday is coming up? I'm not sure if I've mentioned it. Anyway, what the hell was I blathering on about? Oh yes, Summer Solstice. The day our beloved Sun is going to shower down goodness and invite the best season of the year in to greet us. Summer. Which, also, is when my birthday is. Mom? You remember it's my birthday, right?

Okay, okay. Wait, here's something else, do you know that there used to be only two seasons? It's true, I think back when Will Shakespeare was writing blogs. There was only winter and summer (my birthday season). So at that time the Summer Solstice was called Midsummer. Like Midsummer Night's Dream. See where I'm going with that. I like that title. It's oneiric. Go ahead. Look it up. I'll wait.... Tapping my fingers..

Okay, you ready now? You got it? Dreamy. It's so relating to dreams :). So my whole point of this insightful, well written blog is, can you have Summer Solstice without the Sun?
Where did the sun go?
I miss it so.
Seems it's been forever that it's been gone.
I blame this on Peter Yorn.

I don't want to have to go and switch religions now. If I were to, Asude, what should I go with? I need one where they don't tell you what to do. I need one where they like you to be tan. I need one where they think an icy cold mojito is a fine compliment to worshipping. I guess I'm just going to have to wait it out.
Patience. Now get down and give me twenty. I'm talking to you.

Snow White and the Half Gay Prince

2009-06-10T21:18:00.005-04:00

This is the thing. It might sound stupid but obviously that is not a major concern of mine. Snow White?
What in the hell is wrong with her? I'm confused. My head hurts.
First of all, why did she even listen to that mean witch? That witch was so sinister. Speaking of sinister, do you know any actual people in real life that are sinister like the witch in Snow White? Someone who walks around with a cape that covers their hair and that sneer a lot? If so, I'd like to see them. I'd like to just stare at them like one might a zoo animal.
Why was Snow White so stupid about her? Or is Snow White just a glutton for punishment? Perhaps she has low self esteem. Just goes to show Snow, nobody is immune to that low sense of self worth. Snow was a pretty girl. She seemed to have it going on. So why did she bite the apple? Did she think the Queen was her friend? That she wanted the best for her? I don't understand. What was she thinking? I mean, Cinderella was forced into labor. Rapunzel was locked away (I think, I don't remember that story all that well) Fiona had a spell cast on her. They were really painted into their circumstances. Snow White chose it.

If that wasn't bad enough she became a virtual slave to those midgets. I don't get that at all. There was that Angry guy and that weird slap Happy one. There was the one who always slept. What was his name? What about Sneezy? He was just gross. The kleenex alone would make me sick. The Grumpy guy? Come on Snow White! Grow a pair! Leave. Stop doing their laundry! And all that annoying singing they did! Like they were in some dwarf cult. It's stupid.
Who else was there? Oh, yes, Doc, I think Greg Brady played him in a play that whacky Brady family threw in the back yard to buy Jan George Glass. No wait, that's not right. I think they did it for Bobby to impress Millicent. No, no, I think it was to make money for a new Kitty Karey doll for Cindy, that whiney little nugget.
Now that I think about it I believe it was actually Sam the Butcher that played Doc? I kind of remember that he ended up with that plum role. I love that they called him by his full God given name, "Sam the butcher." By the way, didn't the Brady clan treat Alice like crap? For realz. Wearing that uniform? Scrubbing that oven? Who was she anyway, Snow White?

Where was I? Oh, yes, so Snow White and her poor decision making processes. Obviously she had some mad skills cleaning, she could have earned some coin without any side jobs, did she really need to care for those seven lazy bastards? (Sorry Mom). And then! To add insult to injury she has to kiss a dead guy. The hits just keep on coming.

What ever happened to her and the Prince? I bet he ran off with that sinister Queen or maybe it was the King...
Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Being A Fairy Godmother...

2009-06-08T05:10:00.008-04:00

It's kind of like being John Malkovich. But it's not.

What is see is when you have a friend of little religion but huge on all things woodsy and sprite like. A friend who believes in fireplace demons and that chickens should walk amongst us. A friend who home schools, I mean non schools her children but feeds them home made caramels for breakfast. This is the kind of friend whose children you get to be a fairy godmother for. There is no real ceremony for the child but the friend puts you through all kinds of tests. She makes you drive around NYC to every different Whole Foods there is so she can find a candy bar. She waits until there is dead silence in the most boring of anatomy lessons ever given to a group of people til she leans over and says, "Raise your hand. Ask her (the teacher) what kind of body part cooks up best." she does this to see if your laughter can go unheard and unseen. She makes you balance on tightropes and drink out of a trailer park wine bucket all in the name of are you worthy of my children.

I'm not, but I'll take the job anyways just so I can feed them even more candy, get them hopped up on orange juice that has little or nothing to do with juice and ply them with parting gifts.

Scene One:
Twist, Steroid Tom, miniature Twist and the most precious little boy who is pushing three walk in the kitchen. Twist has taught her children and they really believe it that my first and last name are all my first name. It is how they address me every time and with a little British accent even. "Amyshromm."
Precious little boy of almost three points up on my counter to my Grateful Dead psychedelic cookie jar and says in the sweetest little oddly accented voice, "Amyshromm may I please play with that truck?"

so we go up in the playroom to find him some trucks. His tiny little self is following me up the stairs. "Amyshromm it is so quiet up here, I take off my shoes?"

There has never been a politer almost three year old and I thought mine had been good.

Scene Two
There is a big huge sandbox with jungle gym bars in my back yard. I hate it the sand. It was supposed to be rubber mulch. It's stupid.
"Amyshromm? Amyshromm, why does the sand look so odd?"
"Here baby. Eat some more caramel."

Here is the wrapping of the bottle of moonshine Twist brought as a treat. I guess regifting this bag is out of the question?

Here is the lovely packaging of breakfast caramel. Word to the wise: Only put a couple of pieces of salt on it. It should be a warning on the label like when a waiter hands you a hot plate. This isn't one that's fun to figure out on your own. Thanks for that Twisty.

Me perfecting the tight rope walking part of the test

Steroid Tom lying around doing nothing AGAIN

This is what you do when you are wearing a skirt but decide it's time for handstands (please take note, I had on grey). Because this is a totally normal thing to do when you're...ten.

Just for the record, Mickey was a perfect angel. He smelled great! There is no proof otherwise.

Om Om Om Namah Namah Namah Shivay Shivay Shivaya. Three down. One hundred and five to go.

Pinochle

2009-06-03T20:15:00.003-04:00

An old people's game?

I think not, although apparently that's the word on the street.

However, I actually did learn to play Pinochle from my two grandmothers. They taught me the game when I was about nine or ten years old so I could be their fourth and we could play partners. I loved it. I can vividly picture one hand in particular. I remember us all sitting around the table in the back yard of their neighbors in Narberth Park. We were drinking lemonade and my Nana and I were partners. We each had a run in the same suit. It was a beautiful thing. I swear I can almost feel that adrenalin rush that surged through me when we both laid them down to show our meld. It was possibly the most graceful hand of cards ever played by a nine year old all hopped on the sugar from the peanut M&M's my Dotsie let me eat at breakfast and the natural high that comes from something that only really the stars can align.

Someone asked me today what one of my favorite childhood memories was. It took me about ten seconds as vacations and holidays and trips to French Creek flew through my mind to pick an answer. Each one memorable but when I started to write my answer it was sitting around the table playing cards that came out of my finger tips.

I played Pinochle with my grandmothers and Hearts with my family. There was a stint there that my parents taught us Bridge but Pinochle was always my favorite. My dad taught me card tricks and I spent hours and hours playing solitare by myself and war with my brothers and crazy eights with my friends. I know that learning cards at such a young age and having to work in my mind how those tricks were going to be played helped me later in life to figure numbers very quickly. I have an almost rain man (slight exaggeration) qualitie to figuring out equations in my head. I know it was those cards. Or maybe my third grade teacher, Mr. Reagan, he pounded those multiplication table in our heads. Either or.

It was not only a educational game but such a social one too. In college I skipped a couple classes here and there to stay in the Union of snowy days and play Pinochle with the Beta brothers. They were stoners but they could play some serious cards.

Right now as I finally sit down after a long day and take time to think about how important the little things are it makes realize so many things. When asked that question today, I didn't say my happiest memory was when I got a new tv for Christmas or when my I got my hot pink Gloria Vanderbilt jeans in sixth grade that I loved like I gave birth to them myself or even when I spent an entire summer on vacation with friends. Those things were the shizzle but it was the time spent and the cards played that stick out in my mind most vividly.

Summer's almost here. My kids are 10 and 11, there's going to be some Pinochle going on. Come play with us if you want, but be warned, I don't take any prisoners. I like to win. Right Jen?

Are You Smarter Than A Fourth Grader?

2009-06-01T07:43:00.005-04:00

Not mine, Baby!

A while back my dear friend Lorena Milan was over trying to teach the Mickster how to do something. I'm not sure what. She just did a lot of clucking and yelling at him. Apparently there is some famous dog guy on tv who uses the same tactics. The result of the dog training lesson ended in no actual learning for my precious little angel Mickey but my friend Ashley who was here did hurt a lung by laughing to hard.

Last night Lorena and Ashley returned to the scene of the crime. Lorena is a fabulous cook. She can whip stuff up out of nothing. (I feel like I should give her some props before I make fun of her, I do love her, she is just another friend on the long list I have that could be considered a 'character') so anyway, Lorena starts whipping up a delicious dinner while Ashley and I wander about and try to make ourselves appear busy.

We sit down outside to eat with the kids and of course my big German Shepherd starts nosing around the table. She is quite rude. I tell her to beat it as I throw some food out in the yard which apparently is not how the dog whisperer does it. Hey guess what? I'm not the dog whisper and I also was just trying to follow the path of least resistance yesterday. I think Lucy could tell. She had me at, 'sniff, big eyes'. Lorena yelled at me, "That's not how you do it!"
Ashley started laughing.
Here we go again...

This time fortunately she did not try to train them instead she started talking about how she had pit bulls when she was younger. Let me just say, I have nothing against pit bulls. I do however feel like the name elicits some sort of racial type prejudice just because of their reputation. Pit bull owners must know this, as sweet as there little angelic jaw clamping dogs are, there is prejudice. JUST like I get with my shepherd.

What followed that was an argument between Lorena and my ten year old son as to which was the stronger dog, the PB or the GS. I chimed in with the GS was the smarter dog. "Not smarter than a Poodle!" Lorena yelled at me. "I wasn't talking about Poodles, I was talking about Pit bulls. Pay attention."
Chase did not like how this was going at all. He wanted the Shepherd to be the smartest dog. Lorena just couldn't let it go though, she kept saying, "I'm right, right?" We wouldn't agree. She is giving stories to back up her claims. Chase cut her off. "I really think it has to do with how they were brought up Lorena," he says. "If a dog was brought up in my house with my Mom who treats them like babies and another dog was brought up fighting to the death in rings, of course they know how to fight better. I think either dog could win in that way."

Um, Lorena, Chase just got you with nature vs. nurture. I know what a bible beater you are (not that there is anything wrong with that, i love you) did you want to argue evolution vs. creationism with him next?

The Most Important Job In the World

2009-05-28T22:21:00.004-04:00

I have a totally fancy friend. I have talked about her before. She is a famous fabric designer. She sells her designs to Oscar de la Rente. She has a store in Istanbul where she lives. She travels the world to stock the store. She is very impressive. Since we have been friends for forever and a day I am lucky enough to be able to go hang with her in Turkey during the summer.

Each time I have gone we have had dinner with interesting foreign people who have interesting foreign lives and it's great fun. The last time my daughter and I were there we went out with my friend and her boyfriend and a very odd couple that weren't married to each other (although his wife did show up at the restaurant and start yelling at the them, but that's a whole other blog post, although I will say while the man was getting yelled at by his wife and his girlfriend was sitting at the table looking uncomfortable my friend Elizabeth and I took that opportunity to eat the rest of his food off his plate). At any rate there was also another friend of Elizabeth's named Mashala.

Now since none of you are Turkish (except you Asude) I will tell you about the name Mashala. It's not really a name, it's more something you say when like a baby is born and you are wishing it all the best or for God to be with it, or something like that. You look at the baby all goofy and spread your arms out wide and say, "Mashala." Now you can't say the only thing I have taught you is a one handed hand stand (or did you teach that to me?) reeling it back in, so I think since his name is Mashala he is super smart and knows what he's talking about. Just like my sons name is Chase so he's good at playing tag.

So we are out to dinner and my fancy friend with her high falooting job is sitting there and Mashala asks me what I do besides be the mother to the incredibly beautiful Saige. I say, "Well, Mashala (just cause I like how it sounds) I teach yoga."
"TEACH YOGA? You teach yoga? Really?"
"I do," I say.
His eyes get all wide and he says with more conviction than I've heard people say their wedding vows, "I think teaching yoga is the most important job in the world!"
"Me too!" I agree.
Elizabeth rolls her eyes.
"Really," he says in that lovely Turkish accent, "It is so important for people to breathe and to stretch and to do yoga, there is much stress, is that the word you use? Much stress. People need yoga teachers." he says.

I'm going one step further and saying, the world needs yoga teachers. The universe needs yoga teachers.
We also need a designated siesta time and cocktail hour.
Yoga teachers, siesta time and cocktail hour. That's all we need. That and this ashtray. That's all we need. And this chair....

Was this okay Twist and Kathy?

Stupid Questions

2009-05-27T20:25:00.005-04:00

I have completely admitted before that my parental skills might be somewhat lacking. I let my kids listen to questionable music (if I enjoy it).

Not only do I enjoy the Will Ferrell/Owen Wilson genre of movies but it is normal to have lines from Starsky and Hutch, Talledaga Nights and occasionally Old School among others used in casual conversation in my home.

I let my kids sleep in almost every Monday (I do my best to get them to school on time.-to my credit).

I let my daughter have double sleepovers almost every weekend.

I overlook curse words from boys if they are only in the company of boys. I draw the line at mixed company.

The list could go on and on but I don't want any of you calling some sort of lackadaisical parental unit. That's just a lot of hassle I don't feel like dealing with.

You know what else I hate dealing with? Stupid ass questions that parents ask in school meetings when there are 200 other people in the room. Who doesn't understand yet when you have been to 7+ years of these meetings about asking on YOUR OWN TIME?
E mail them.
Stay after.
Place a phone call.
I swear to God the minute the speaker person asks if there are any questions in the room, inadvertently my eyes look down and roll, I start to doodle if I am lucky enough to have a pen and I probably mumble under my breath. I don't mean to be a bitch (yes I do) but there is such a thing as a stupid question. Who ever said there wasn't is an idiot.
Tonight at the middle school meeting after 17 other inane questions someone asked, "Um, can you tell me how much the text books weigh?"

You know what went through my head? "Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. We've already been here to long. I'm bored. Who cares how much they weigh? How much do you weigh? Shut up."

You know why?
I'm a bad parent.

As per Kathy's suggestion: the one way to solve this dilemma with stupid question askers...

A Much Needed Laugh

2009-05-25T22:26:00.005-04:00

My last post title was something about it being Monday. It's Monday now and that post seems like a lifetime ago. I took a little vacation from the internet. It's gorgeous outside, there's gardening to do. I do recall saying a couple posts ago that I hate outside work. I changed my mind about that this week. I like it. I like picking those weeds and making it look clean. I like trimming things back and raking the leaves from way under the bushes. I especially like planting lavender. I love lavender. I like hot pink flowers. I like the fresh air. I like seeing my neighbors outside after a long Winter and a rainy Spring. I like the whole thing.

So that's what I did.

It was one of those weeks I didn't sleep much. I pulled a muscle in my calf so that makes running very uncomfortable. I have a million things going through my mind all the time. It doesn't stop. Running makes it stop, when I can't do that it makes me a little jumpy. I found that if I just put my headphones on and listened to some music and pull some weeds it can have a small degree of the same effect. I sang while I worked outside. My dog Mickey sat with me the whole time and let the Spring breeze blow through his freshly sheared sheep fur. I tried to talk my kids into helping when they would come ask me something, not a lot of interest there. Oh well.

It's hot at night. The air is on but it's still hot. It makes it hard to sleep. I want time to stand still but I also want it to pass. My big dog started having seizures a few weeks ago. It scares me and makes me sad.
Today four friends of my daughters that went to pre school together were over. They are all so tall. They are young ladies. It makes me happy but sad. Bittersweet.

That's where I've been Twist and Kathy. Thinking, not running, weeding, worrying about my dog, watching my children grow faster than the weeds in my front flower bed.

Which brings me to the title of this post. So tonight I'm sitting outside with my dear friend. My kids were with us, talking and joking and just being there. It was a very nice ending to the long weekend.

Then they started bickering. Something about Chase throwing grapes in the pool and wearing shorts to swim instead of a bathing suit to the girls could see his "butt crack."
"Time for bed," I said. "When you start bickering you're outta here."
Chase was tired. He kissed me and went right up.
Saige walked over between Ashley and I, she started telling us something. She leaned over and kissed me on the cheek then she leaned in to Kiss Ash and it was at the moment I saw it...

The longest toilet paper tail I have seen in a good long while hanging right out of the back of her shorts. Ah yes, juvenile but funny none the less. This brought on a lot of laughter and some sage advice for Saige.
"Don't be THAT girl," Ashley said.
"What girl?" asked Saige.
"The one at the wedding that gets their dress stuck in the back of their pantyhose and walks around with their butt showing to everyone all night cause no one wants it to end," Ashley informs her.
"Oh dear," Saige said still a little red from the "tail" incident.
"Talk about butt cracks...."

And It's Only Monday...

2009-05-18T22:19:00.005-04:00

I have been reading all these articles on the Internet about cyber harassment and tech harassment. Kids being cruel to one another by the Internet or by the cell phone. Jesus, like kids and teenagers don't have enough problems? They need someone bullying them with txt messages? It astounds me how vicious kids can be. I don't understand why they have to be so mean.
Seriously, stop it.

I'm going to tell you something, this was happening on a low degree to my daughter. Some little girl was bullying her in school and started txting her, on Friday she sent this a couple times, "just so you know, I hate you." There is nothing I would have rather done than gone all Rebecca De Mornay in The Hand That Rocks the Cradle on her. For real. I can take a lot myself, I will shut up, shut down, walk away when it's me. When it's my kids (right Jen? you still there Big Mouse?) it's a whole other ball game...

So I called the Mother of the girl. This had been going on for long enough. My daughter had asked me not to do anything. I didn't at first because she said she would be embarrassed.Then the txt messages started. Honestly, as a mother, if my child was harassing someone else I would want to know. I think we all have to stick together in this day and technological age. Kids send indecent pictures and don't get into college, they send mean txts and the recipient has committed suicide. I don't think it's being a tattletale. I think it's being responsible.

Like Marguerite says, "Each of us had more power over the world than we can imagine," use it for good.
I try to make it so clear to my children, especially my daughter, because I dvr Oprah and watch it on occasion. It's scary out there.

I have an eleven and a half year old GIRL.

Then Password is... Vigilance.

Little Altars Everywhere

2009-05-17T22:13:00.004-04:00

I spent a lot of time yesterday making a little altar for my daughter. I made it in a glass plant thing that I got a long time ago. During Christmas I have little Christmas stuff that goes in there. There has been candles and some other odds and ends I put in there from time to time. I recently rearranged stuff and moved it into the kitchen. It had nothing in it. I asked my friend Ashley if I should put actual plants in it. She said I'd kill them and that was not only irresponsible but mean. She had a point. While I was running around like a Micken with my head cut off on Saturday to baseball games and picture days and friends and prom taking pictures and pizza runs and everything else Ashley was at my house. She made a little altar on a table in my living room. I have about a million things to do this with. Yesterday I decided to do one in the glass plant thing.

It's all about Saige. There is the picture of her in her princess costume from years ago. I surrounded it with angels and pictures of my mother and Saige's great grandmothers. There are symbols of love and happiness and success and friends. There are all sorts of things in it. I love it and no plants died for it.

The Micken Rolled In Something Dead

2009-05-16T22:10:00.004-04:00

He sure did. I was out weeding. This is enough to get a gasp out of a couple of you. Weeding is outside work. I usually frown upon that. I shake my head and whisper a very polite but firm, "No." For good reason. If I touch the wrong thing I break out in big yellow bubbles all over any exposed skin and then I have to take steroids. "Convenient." Perhaps. But true.

Yesterday I had enough. The never ending rain has brought more weeds than I have ever seen. I decided to do some "outside work" so I got some gloves and some clippers and starting cutting and pulling.

Mickey was out with me rolling around, looking so happy. I thought he was just so glad to be out front with me in the sun. He came running over to me, wiggling and shaking and his whole head was black and he smelled like I had kept a dead animal in the trash can under the counter for a week. I gagged like my friend Ashley does, which is really annoying.

He got a bath. It was gross.

I was right. Outside work is stupid.

I'm A Bad Parent

2009-05-14T15:38:00.003-04:00

Kind of.

I realized today that my sense of humor can sometimes be that of a ten year old boys. I don't think that's good.

Today was a field trip with Chase's class. We went to the historical museum of our town and a walking tour. Let me tell you something, I never knew half of what went on here. It's pretty impressive, if you like history. I like to know what's happened in condensed form. The short version. Going through castles and churches and walking tours bore me like they would a child. I also only can sit through about half a Broadway play until I start to fidget. I do feel guilty about this, like I wish I could gather up some more interest. I can't.

The first part of the tour was fun. It was all about quilts. They had all these antique quilts that looked like it was impossible that a person instead of a machine made. There was one that this woman who was crippled and only her fingers worked and there was over 10,000 pieces in it. Insane. Seriously. It was cool. Then after all the quilts there was an art project for the kids. I helped Chase. That was fun.

The second half of the day was the walking tour. First it was raining. It was cold. The tour guide kept pointing out "datestones" that showed the buildings were from forever ago. I know some people love this (Hi Mom) but not me. I did have to act interested though because I saw the exact same far off look that I get in Chase's eyes about 5 minutes in. My little angel, he was bored. Bored until the tour guide that was about 98 years old started sneezing. Sneezing and talking at the same time. My group was 5 boys. The first time she sneezed and keep speaking they all grinned at each other. The second time one kid spit gatorade out by accident. For some reason, perhaps my own boredom or the look on his face made me start laughing. Any of my friends can attest to the fact that once I start laughing I can't stop. I have to picture myself in a plane crashing or getting stuck in a well or being surrounded by snakes like Cher in The Witches of Eastwick or something like that to make it stop. I'm not trying to be rude. I don't want to be disrespectful, it just won't stop.

Fortunately I was at the back of the line. No one noticed but my boys. We came to then end of the tour. My chewing gum that had served as my lunch was like cardboard. I pulled it out and it got stuck to my finger. I tried to flick it off and it landed on one of the boys sweatshirts and stuck there. More rounds of laughter out of my little hooligans. Whoops.

They were all riled up. We had 20 minutes left. The museum people wanted us to walk through the museum with all the antique furniture and delicate things. I didn't think my group would make it through without breaking something. I okayed with the teacher then took them in the auditorium and let them get on the stage and play charades. After a while another Mom came in and said they shouldn't be on the stage. My bad.

On the way home Chase said, "Thanks for coming today Mom." I told him I had fun, it was really fun. He said, "Tomorrow if my teacher asks what my favorite part of the field trip was, I'm going to tell her it was playing charades."

Maybe not a bad parent, maybe just a little childish...

The Talk

2009-05-13T07:04:00.010-04:00

My daughter came home from school yesterday with a little bag in her hand a secretive look on her face. I didn't see what was in her hand at first. I said, "Hey, how was your day?" She just nodded at me. "What? Are you okay?" I ask. She shakes her head 'yes' and says, "Hold on, I don't want Chase to hear."
She goes about her after school routine, throws her book bag on the counter, gets a little snack, starts fielding the "who will I play?" calls that are coming to her cell phone but doesn't let go of that bag.
I went to sit outside to because it was finally warm enough. She comes out to the patio, sits down and says, "Well, we had the talk in school today." Ahh, the talk. She hands me the bag and says, "Take the pamphlets, they're for you. In case you need to read stuff. The other stuff is mine." I'm quite sure I am going to need to brush up on stuff. One day Oprah had this whole show about talking to your kids about sex and there was some stuff I didn't know. It's like 5th grade homework.
"They didn't talk about sex though, just your body and how it changes." she informed me.
"Okay, we'll do that. Okay?" I asked.
"Fine. Whenever," she answered me.
I guess this shouldn't surprise me. She has always been very open.
Long before I ever kept an online journal I kept art journals of things my children did and said. This is a page from one 5 1/2 years ago.

Time Flies... that always reminds me of "turn, turn, turn" song or verse. Up until now I actually thought that was a Byrds original. Stupid non church going me... a time to learn to walk and a time to have the talk, they managed to seem like they came in days of each other...

Which Came First? Part B

2009-05-07T14:22:00.009-04:00

As a little recap from yesterday's bizarrely stupid post about why Twist has chickens living with her. For those who don't read the comments, here is the answer.

twist said...
OK, we got the chickens for their feathers - so I could make more window treatments. We will not be milking them, though our hens are dark and we're told they would, therefore, provide chocolate milk starting at around 16 weeks. When they've outlived their usefulness, we're going to give them to Amy's little dog and see if we get mickens.

The Elusive "Micken" with Star, Biggie Smalls and Tupac.

The Micken is a lover not a fighter.
The Micken does not lay eggs. But does lay "babies." ;) Poor babies.
The Micken is a one of a kind.
The Micken crossed the road because he needed to pee on the mailbox across the street. And the tree. And the bush.
The Micken pees a lot.
The Micken half crows and half barks to wake people up.
Which came first the Micken or the egg? What egg? I don't see any egg. Don't be stupid.
The Micken is real. For real real.
The Micken is in the hizzle.
The Micken loves you.
And You Tom the lazy steroid taking slacker. The Micken totally loves you. He loves all of Gods creatures.

Which Came First?

2009-05-06T22:35:00.004-04:00

There is a lot of information that I don't know about chickens. I never knew that I didn't know this until tonight. Don't judge me. I'm not a farmer.

"So does Twist really have chickens in her house?" Heather asks.
"She sure does. Right in her kitchen. They're big too. Like emus or ostriches or pterodactyls." I answer.
"What are they for? Why do they have them? Are they going to eat them?" she asked.
"Not unless she wants her kids to need a whole lot of therapy." I say. "I don't know what they're for. I think they're going to lay eggs. No wait, they can't, there is no rooster."
"They can still lay eggs," Heather says.
"How? They're all girls." I ask.
"They only need the rooster to fertilize it. I think." Heather replies.
"Huh? I don't get that. What's in the eggs then?" I'm being honest here. I have no idea how this works. When I think about it it does seem to make sense because chickens lay a lot of eggs, that rooster would be really busy. I just never thought about this before.
"There's still an egg. It just can't become a chick." Heather answers.
"What? What's in it then? Is there still yolk?" this seems insane to me.
"Yes, it just can't ever be a chicken."
"Do people eat roosters or just chickens?" I do ask this. I'm slightly embarrassed to admit it.
"I think so, you know how there are Tom turkeys and... what's the female one?" Heather says.
"I don't even know what you're talking about. Tom who? I asked you if people ate roosters or do they only eat chickens?" I say stupidly cause don't get me wrong, i know this whole conversation is asinine and I'm not even telling the worst of it.
"I think roosters and hens all fall under the umbrella of the chicken family."she says.
"Huh, good point. I forgot all about the whole hen thing."
Then it's Heather's turn. "Why don't chicken's give milk?" she says.
"What?"
"What do they eat? Do you think they nurse?"
"I don't think so, I've never seen chickens with teets and I think they eat they stuff the farmer sprinkles on the floor."
"Good point."

So I just google this. Apparently, the hen doesn't need a rooster to lay eggs. When a hen is about 6 weeks old she will just start laying them. Like very smart Heather said, a rooster will just fertilize them. So it will never be a chick if the rooster wasn't there. So here is another question. Does a vegetarian who doesn't eat eggs believe in stem cell research? Just like, which came first, the chicken or the egg? Which did come first? I flip flop on this. I say egg, no chicken, no it's the egg, no no, definitely the chicken. Egg. Chicken. Egg.

Other interesting chicken facts:
Chickens can have sex changes. So can ducks and peacocks.
It takes an egg 21 days to hatch.
The baby chick eats the yolk before it cracks out of the shell.

I'm like Sue with all my smarty knowledge. You can thank me later.

Rainy Daze

2009-05-04T19:14:00.006-04:00

It is so green out there. I think the trees behind my house are about to eat my fence. The lawn looks like a big green flokati rug and the weeds in the flower beds could possibly lead to a land of magic beans.

Sports are canceled. Dogs stay inside. It's harder to get things done. Normal things. It's just so rainy.

I tend to get obsessively involved with projects during long periods of rain like this. You really don't want to go outside so what else do you do? Turn on the music, light some candles and think of rainy activities.

Saige changed her whole room around yesterday. Chase talked Marc into buying him some sort of air pellet gun. Like most things they do together, I'd rather just not know. I'll go with decorating and working on my computer and sifting through collections of things.

Today I went through a lot of books. Kids books and adult books. I love looking at things I haven't seen in a while. I like looking at book collections almost as much as music collections. I think it gives the biggest hint of who someone is by seeing what books they read. I am (at least) a second generation book collector. My Mom always had tons of books. She was always reading. In fact I remember I spent a better part of my childhood saying, "Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom." I sounded like that teacher in Ferris Buellers Day Off. It was hard to get her attention when she was reading. Now that I have children I understand. Completely.

Besides the NYT bestsellers and the Jane Green/Jennifer Weiner genre chick lit my books are mostly on Art and doing Art and Yoga and doing Yoga, there are a bunch of quotation books thrown in there and quite a few decorating books and some on running and a handful on Buddhism and some Art therapy and Psychology left over from my short stint in grad school. That's pretty much who I am, right there. Oh and all my childhood Roald Dahl books. And Narnia and Harry Potter...

This was the first thing I read when I opened the first Art Journaling book. However Walt meant it I thought it was a little sign that was a reminder that the rain will stop. Like everything, it is only temporary. And then we will have pretty flowers and the bright yellow shiny sun.

“Wash the gum from our eyes and dress ourselves for the dazzle of the light.”
- Walt Whitman

Or maybe the light is right there in front of you all the time. All you have to do is recognize it.

Abra-Abra-Cadraba

2009-05-04T08:00:00.004-04:00

The word Abracadabra comes from an ancient Aramaic expression, "I speak as I create."

How's that for magical?
I like magic. I like spiritual stuff. I like past lives, angels, clairvoyants, reiki masters and long walks on the beach.

I don't like...when dogs get sick, the smell of wet dogs or muddy footprints.

I think I am going to start using the term abracadabra a lot more in my everyday conversation. I am going to say it as I am whipping up a breakfast feast for my children. I am going to say it as I write this blog, I am going to say it before I decide the flow of my next yoga class and I am even going to say it as I write notes to the school explaining why my kids are late today. I will be honest but creative because the reason they are going to be late is it is raining and I am letting them sleep in. Is that a valid reason for lateness? A rainy Monday morning. I'm not sure. I think it is. I can't be sure though, I threw away that school handbook years ago. It was very bulky.

My Mom used to give us "Personal Days," when we were kids. Days where we just stayed home from school and watched Gilligans Island and played tag around her room. We weren't sick. She just thought we needed a little personal time. I love that. I am more about a little sleeping in because it seems the schools give a lot of days off just because.

So, Abracadabra have a great day. Abracadabra stop the rain. Abracadabra do my laundry.

Utter Nonsense

2009-04-28T20:19:00.006-04:00

It's been like summer here for the past few days. We went from nasty to gorgeous in what seemed like a matter of minutes. Fine with me. I'll take hot, all day, everyday. Cold is stupid.

What does one do when one is faced with a summers day in April?
One idea is to get the illegal poultry you share quarters with and let them see the light of day.

This is a very normal thing for a very normal friend of mine to do. The funny thing is about the so called, "Crazy" person is that I have found over the last couple days that it seems that a lot times that slight insanity is mixed with genius. Because only a stone cold smartie could make this:

this is the most insanely cool chandelier. Yup, Kooky made it. All while caring for the Emu's she lives with, non schooling her wee ones and painting her entire house. I'm pretty sure her husband just sat there the whole time with his feet up, drinking beer watching football. Is football still on right now, or did the Stanley Cup already happen for the year? He's so lazy! He's a blog post all unto itself. I swear Tom couldn't be more of a meathead. I know he takes steroids. For real real.

When the hazy days of Sprimmer start to drag on, and all your light fixtures have been made and your walls have been painted and your window boas formed what would you do?
Here's an idea!
Chase the chickens.
Chase them good.
Make them jump up in glee!
They love it!
It's totally legal to tease chickens in the borough. I'm positive cause when Arlen was an elephant he had no opinion about chickens, their paths just didn't cross, but when he turned donkey he thought back to those days on the farm and said, "Do whatever you want! Chickens are related to roosters and they get up to early." Total sense to me...

1982

2009-04-27T20:46:00.004-04:00

Making your way in the world today takes everything you've got.
Taking a break from all your worries, sure would help a lot.

Wouldn't you like to get away?

Sometimes you want to go

Where everybody knows your name,
and they're always glad you came.
You wanna be where you can see,
our troubles are all the same
You wanna be where everybody knows
Your name.

I'm going to tell you something. You might know this but either I didn't know or had never thought about it but do you know it's been 27 years since the show Cheers came on. Twenty-seven? Holy God, that's almost as long as my MUCH older brother Mark has been alive. Insert big smile. Seriously though. Over a quarter of a century.

Remember twenty seven years ago (some of you), things were so easy then. Young and dumb. Twenty seven years means a lot of us were in Junior high school or high school. What was there to worry about then? Some test? If you finished 'Catcher in the Rye'? If you had the matching striped shirt to go with your teal blue Forenza sweater?

What's my point? Why Cheers? Why the walk down memory lane? Here's the thing. I think we all spend a lot of time wrapped up in our own heads, in our own stuff. Of course we do. We are human beings. It is our lives. I spent a lot of today doing that. So wrapped up in myself. Tonight while driving a friend popped into my head who I hadn't heard from in a while. I had tried off and on to call her but I gave up after a while, I had a lot on my mind. So I tried again. After our conversation when she said, "Thank you so much, I feel like I don't have a friend in the world, you have no idea what this means to me." that Cheers song kept playing in my head. It was stuck there while I cleaned the kitchen, played on as I took out the trash, wouldn't go away even when I started writing this.

The only thing is about that little jingly song is sometimes it's just good enough when one person knows your name.
Remember that today maybe. We all know when someone starts flying below the radar. At least I think we do. Take a minute. Step back from yourself. It's so easy to honestly tell the people that are important to you that you love them, that you're there, that you care, that you would do anything you could. When it all comes down to it, isn't this what's important? Make a call. It might make a bigger difference than you could imagine.

"Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born."
- Anais Nin

"A friend is one who walks in when others walk out"
-Walter Winchell

"I get by with a little help from my friends."
- John Lennon

Prelude to Summer

2009-04-24T08:53:00.008-04:00

This is teacher conference week. That means not much school. It was chilly yesterday but that didn't stop the girls from trying to get a tan. Cause you know, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

When I was younger though I didn't have a laptop to lie out with. It was called a transistor radio. Or a cassette player. Just details I guess. However, she did ask me for tin foil. Now there are no albums around my house so I am not sure how she was going to set this up as a sun reflector, I did say, "No." I know what would have happened, they would have tired of or forgotten about it and it would have ended up blowing around my backyard. Kids these days don't have the dedication we did back in the "olden days." There could have been an errant snow flake but if the sun was shining brightly in late April we would have been out on those uncomfortable plastic striped lawn chairs with Crisco oil and and tin foil covered album covers just sizzling away from 10 am until the bell rang and the sun moved around the house. They used a towel as a blanket yesterday! I need to spend more time parenting so I can show then how it's done. Thank God it's going to be in the 80's this weekend.

After their pseudo lie out session they decided to raid my closet to play what they called, "Dress like a hippie!"
"Will you take our picture Mom?"
"But of course."

I call this, "My Headband Makes Me A Hippie."

"Hippie With Killer Shoes."

The scariest and strangely most comforting part is they do fit in my shoes. But if they fit in them at 11, that means their feet will be to big in high school. Bummer. Not.

Show Me How Smart You Are

2009-04-23T06:56:00.004-04:00

"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared with what lies within us." -Ralph Waldo Emerson

Did you ever get told in school that you weren't "working up to your potential?" Why do you think it is that some people are over achievers and some people just do what's needed?

Yesterday was conference day for my kids school. Marc went to one and I went to the other. My son specifically requested that Marc go to his. I was just fine with this because my daughters conference's have never been more than this through her entire 5th grade career.
"Saige is a model student and a pleasure to have in class." any random teacher says.
"Thank you." I reply.
"Do you have any questions?" teacher asks.
"No."
"Okay then, have a good day."
"Thanks for your time." I say as I shake there hand and mentally prepare for my sons.

His has traditionally gone a little differently.
"Chase is such a nice boy. Everyone loves him He always notices the littlest things." teacher says.
"Thank you." I say beaming.
"The only thing is he doesn't always hand in his homework. He likes to talk to his friends. His writing could be improved. He hurries through his work. I have him in a special reading group. Can you spend more time reading at home with him?"
"It is easier to walk over burning shards of glass, but okay."

The bottom line is, for some reason Saige has the over whelming innate need to accomplish. Chase, well, not so much.

Yesterday things went a little differently.
Saige's conference was fine, all her grades dropped a bit. She is extremely social and this has taken a front seat to school work. Her grades are still good, just not what they were. Her teacher actually said that this was the hardest marking period and that some things were more important that school work. That's what he said. Now I come from that school of thought too but also from someone who never "worked up to her potential (yet)." I want her to do more. Not in a crazy "stage mom" kind of way. In a "work hard and get a good job" way. I know she will. I'm not worried.

The big shocker was Chase's conference. Chase has consistently been bringing me home tests to sign that are all A's. He has been doing his reading. I've seen his math worksheets done. He has gotten quite a few "homework passes," in Science from work he has done all on his own. He does maintain that his teacher doesn't like him. I brush it off every time he says it. I have had enough conversations to believe she cares.

So yesterday Marc goes in there for the conference. Chase's report card had all A's and a couple B's. The teacher gives it a once over and then says to Marc, "Well, I really can't believe he did as well as he did." That doesn't sound all that nice.

I get glimpses everyday of what lies with in my children. I have complete certainty that they are going to be just fine, even when someone gives them a push in the wrong direction. It will just make them push back harder. So I think, Chase's teacher is doing him a favor. A nice smile and a compliment will only get you so far.
"Show me how smart you are." My favorite expression of all time. Right Asude?

Earth Day

2009-04-22T07:19:00.000-04:00

Do you know that 1500 farmers in India committed mass suicide due to crop failure last week? Mass Suicide. 1500 people who are not living anymore, with 1500 families and countless friends who's lives will never be the same.

During the Great Depression in our country the suicide rate went from 14 to 17 per 100,000. This was 1500 human beings at one time. It is just staggering to me. I think about the complaints we have here. I know it's all relative but come on. These are people just like you and me. Oh, except for the fact they probably don't have laptops or nice cars or go out to dinner to much, they probably aren't spending Spring Break in the Caribbean but besides that they all had families and dreams and hopes and blood coursing through their veins. They loved like we love and prayed like we pray and now they're gone. They were in debt. I don't know if it was a political statement or the only way they saw out. It's not even a new thing for them. It has been going on for over a decade. But 1500 at once? God.

It's not just India, suicide due to drought and wildfires and how they effect farming are prevalent in Australia too. It's global warming my friends. The weather changes things. We know that. Here it's raining, we miss a baseball game. In Australia the estimation is every four days a farmer commits suicide. I am not diminishing any one's troubles. They are all real and hard and trying but good Lord I think we all know we'll get through this. It might look a little different but we'll come out the other side. Not there, not in India. For them things will never look the same.

I was out the other night and someone was talking about how they didn't recycle. They didn't recycle or try to conserve or reuse or do anything remotely environmentally conscious because they said they lived in a house with heat, they drove a car with gas, they knew they were wasteful and just didn't see the point. I think I just stared like an idiot with my mouth hanging open because I couldn't believe it.
After a minute I thought to myself, "What the hell am I doing?" I recycle, but my kids walk out of the room and leave the tv on. I use the plastic bags at the grocery store. I make a lot of environmental mistakes. I'm just as bad as he is. Or almost. I care. I want the best for my kids and their kids but I don't do enough. I think Earth day should be like Lent. Although instead of giving up something you should have to do something good. Be a do gooder. Get all high and mighty with people who aren't. Not in a reformed smoker kind of way, but have an edge for the environment.
It all counts. Every little bit. You might not be able to save the Earth single handily but don't do nothing, that's so lame. :)

For Kathy SSSSSSS . Love you.

They paved paradise and put up a parkin' lot
With a pink hotel, a boutique, and a swingin' hot spot
Don't it always seem to go
That you don't know what you got till it's gone
They paved paradise and put up a parkin' lot

They took all the trees, and put em in a tree museum
And they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them
No, no, no, don't it always seem to go
That you don't know what you've got till it's gone
They paved paradise, and put up a parkin' lot

Hey farmer, farmer, put away your DDT
I don't care about spots on my apples,
Leave me the birds and the bees - please
Don't it always seem to go
That you don't know what you got till it's gone
They paved paradise and put up a parking lot
Hey now, they've paved paradise to put up a parking lot
Why not?

Listen, late last night, I heard the screen door swing,
And a big yellow taxi took my girl away
Now don't it always seem to go
That you don't know what you got till it's gone
They paved paradise and put up a parking lot
Hey now now, don't it always seem to go
That you don't know what you got till it's gone
They paved paradise to put up a parking lot
Why not, they paved paradise
They put up a parking lot
Hey hey hey, paved paradise and put up a parking lot

I don't wanna give it
Why you wanna give it
Why you wanna givin it all away
Hey, hey, hey
Now you wanna give it
I should wanna give it
Cuz you're givin it all away, no no

I don't wanna give it
Why you wanna give it
Why you wanna givin it all away
Cuz you're givin it all givin it all away yeah yeah
Cuz You're givin it all away hey, hey, hey

Hey, paved paradise, to put up a parking lot
la,la, la, la, la, la, la ,la ,la ,la ,la
Paved paradise, and put up a parking lot

Hey Foxy Lady

2009-04-17T07:45:00.004-04:00

So yesterday I'm talking to a friend who says, "What are you doing tomorrow?
Without a thought in my head I say, "Well a bunch of stuff but in the afternoon Ashley is going to come over and we are going to lie out."
They started laughing.
I'm all, "What? What's so funny?"
"That just sounds so 70's"
Really? Does it?
It started me thinking about the 70's. I was born in 1969 so I "grew up" in the 70's. Back in the day of no cell phones, no laptops, or computers period, no IPods, no txt messages, IM's, Facebook. Back when we left in the morning during Summer and no one heard from us until night. I walked to the bus by myself. I never looked at my parents for something to do. I didn't txt my Dad from the bus and tell him my brother was getting on my nerves. (Which by the way, Saige did. My Dad would not have liked that one little bit in the middle of his work day). It does seem like a whole other universe.
These are some of the great things that DID come out of the 70's. The "befores" of all our stuff now.
1. Cassette Tapes- remember these. I used to set them up by my clock radio to record music. I never needed and Itunes gift cards for that.
2. The good old sun tan lotion that turned your skin orange.
3. Helen Reddy- "I AM Woman!"
4. Hawii Five -0.
5. Good old platform shoes.
6. Farrah Fawcett in her pretty red suit, Let us not forget the "car phone" with the curly cord that the angels had.
7. Mash- Who didn't love Hawk Eye and Radar. It was like the 70's version of Seinfeld.
8. "Sit on it" My brother was Fonzie one year for Halloween and he rode his yellow banana bike to school.
9. "Go Ask Alice." when she's just this small.... The movie, the book, the song.
10. Judy Blume and "Are You There God It's Me Margaret."

Okay, I could go on and on but I gotta go get those kids up. I loved the 70's with it's Tiger Beat and The Rocky Horror Picture Show, The Outsiders, Marcus Welby and guess what? The first Earth Day was in the April 22 1970.

Our "Laying Out" Playlist...
Morning Has Broken
Hot Child In the City
You're So Vain
Daydream Believer
Never Rains In Southern California
Blinded By the Light
Seasons In the Sun
Afternoon Delight
Witchy Woman
Evil Woman
Magic Man
Sister Golden Hair
Crazy Horse
Smokin' In the Boys Room
My Eyes Adored You
Undun
Spill That Wine
We Are Family
The Cover of the "Rolling Stone"
Have You Never Been Mellow
Hot Blooded
Don't Stop Til' You Get Enough
Carefree Highway
Don't Let the Sun Go Down On Me
Sundown
Dancing In the Moonlight
Looks Like We Made It
Just A Song Before I Go...

Hallelujah

2009-04-16T07:19:00.004-04:00

The sun is shining. It feels like it's been raining forever. I guess it wasn't that awful of a winter weather wise. We didn't have ice storms. There weren't that many big snowfalls. Well, that I can remember. Winter is always like giving birth to me. I know it hurt. there were pain killers involved, but I can't really remember the details. I do know, it's not something I have any interest in doing again. Just like giving birth!!

The only difference is with that whole giving birth thing I got two amazing kids out of it. What came out of winter? Hmm... let's see, my skin is not only dry but full of hives. I don't think this is winter's fault but I'm going to say it is cause I'm like that. My garage is a mess cause it has been to cold to clean it. My electric bill is astronomical and oh yes, let us not forget the backyard where Lucy and Mickey go... Finger to nose. Nuff said. Hey Jen, if you're still out there, that was for you.

My friend moved here from South Carolina and she has been complaining about the weather since she got here. I found myself defending it because I just wanted her to shut up. (I love you Ashie). I know it sucks, we all know it sucks. I must have said a thousand times, "It will be over soon." I have said before and I'll say it again. I'm not sure why I live here. Love my family, love my friends but I can make friends anywhere. I'm just kidding. Well, I could make friends, but I'd miss mine. Although they could visit. I'd buy a futon. I'd stock the fridge with mojito mix, I'd always have extra hummus on hand.

We'd save so much money. We only need flip flops, less paid for activities, more outside on the beach. People smile more in warm weather, we'd have to be careful of that cause botox is expensive, but besides that I just don't see a down side. Are you with me?

No complaining today cause the reclusive Sun has made an appearance. Now it's going to shine down on that almost neon green grass and put a little smile on everyone's face. It's going to be 70 today. I'm going be very busy worshipping. My God has come to earth. Lucky me. Sue, can you believe it?

Flocking Together

2009-04-14T07:17:00.006-04:00

Do birds of a feather flock together? Some. Just like people. I think lots of times people do, although not always. Just like birds. I'll tell you soon who doesn't flock together. I'm going to be like Asude today and teach you something. My little lesson doesn't have anything to do with politics but it is a little piece of knowledge you can stick in your back pocket for the next time you play Balderdash. That's what life's all about right? Making up fake meanings of words and trying to get your friends to choose them? Okay maybe not, but it's fun.

So I was thinking about this whole bird/flocking thing on Friday when I introduced two of my friends who had never met. Two friends who I adore. Two friends that I hang with a lot. They are also both straight up whack. They know this. It's not a secret. Lovely, funny, generous, beautiful, kind women who both have their own special brand of crazy. The stories I could tell... but that's neither here nor there.

The point is they were like magnets to each other although polar opposites. My one hippy friend who wears flip flops and jeans, no make up and a big plastic ring was mesmorized by my Manolo Blahnik friend with a Chloe bag full of make up that she applied constantly durning the night at any moment of downtime and a big chunky Chanel watch. So these birds aren't really of the same feather, or are they? What constitutes being of the same feather? Your social status? Your wealth? Your looks? Your hobbies? Your jobs? Your meds? What?

My hippy friend said to me after being delighted by my fancy friend, "Amy, all your friends are crazy. You collect them to make yourself appear more normal." So I took a mental inventory of my friends and decided that you were the only normal one. Just you. And by you I'm talking to my laptop.

At that moment Fancy friend pulled out an array of Chanel lipglosses and examined each one closely apparently deciding which to apply over her already shiney lips. Then she took her cute little hat and put it on, looked in the mirror, took it off, looked in the mirror, on, off, on, off, "Should I wear this?" she asked us.
Hippy friend said, "I just want to shrink her and carry her around in my pocket." YES!

Todays information: Woodpeckers do not travel in flocks. They do however hang with their family until the kids are grown and the kids look a lot like Mom and Dad so you might think it's a flock. It's not though, it's a family. Which is probably a good thing, who wants a whole flock of woodpeckers hanging around? That can't be good.

A Joke and Some Blackmail

2009-04-10T19:46:00.002-04:00

Someone posted this on another site and it made me laugh.

Girlfriend Booby Traps Bedroom Floor - Watch more Funny Videos

And then there is the blackmail. It went something like this...
"Did you read my blog post about Jesus?" I asked through a txt.
"No. I'm boycotting your blog until you post the link I sent you." txted my loving brother.

Please Vote. I'm not allowed to say which photograph is his, but it's on there.
VOTE HERE

Any Given Day Part Deux

2009-04-10T14:27:00.006-04:00

"Want to go down to Philadelphia with me to look for fabric tomorrow?"
"YES!"

Act 1:
Driving down 202 and pass a very dear friend driving, on her cell phone, kinda swerving around. Wave to her like a crazy person. She sees us.
Cell phone rings. "Hello darling girl," the voice of the questionable driver says, "Happy Good Friday to you, the day of our Lord and Saviour."
"Um, to you too." I reply.
After a little more conversation. We hang up.
"So, what's Good Friday famous for?" I ask my friend, Crazy.
"It's the day US Air killed Jesus."
Seriously?
"Yes," Crazy continues. "It was US Air and then he came out the cave on Easter."
I txt another friend with this question.
The first response I get says US Air had nothing to do with it. They were getting a bad rap.
Crazy says, "Misinformation Amy, try again."
I re ask.
"Yes, she's right I do think it was some righteous pilot."
Phew, that's settled.

Act 2:
We don't have a lot of time but we still want to go to Material Culture.
"We need to hurry, but we have to go in this grocery store and use the bathroom." Crazy says.
"Ok."
We go in and go to the back to where the restroom is. It's locked. There is a sign that says you need a key. Crazy goes and asks for the key. The counter girl says there is someone in there. We sit down and wait. It's taking quite a while. Crazy says, "I don't think there's anyone in there. I'm going to go knock."
"You get all over your bad self," I say.
Knock Knock Knock
(Very gruff old man's voice) "Yeah, hold on."
Crazy looks at me. I look at her. "Not so much."
"We don't need to be anywhere near that bathroom when he's done," she says.
We hightail it outta there.

Act 3:
Using the restroom in Starbucks. I let Crazy go first cause she's all jumpy and twitchy.
I come out she is at the counter buying some sort of dead bird sandwich and some tea. She asks for honey.
"How much do you want?" asks the Starbucks guy.
"How much do I want or how much is appropriate?" Crazy replies.
"Just pour the whole bear in there?" Starbucks guy says.
Tears streams down my face as we walk out the door.

Final Act:
(Just so you know we are in the middle of redecorating her entire house) I am trying to stay on point. One area at a time. She has a million ideas for the whole thing constantly. There is a lot of reeling in on my part. There is stripping of paint, plastering, priming, painting, curtains to make, chandelier projects, in fact projects everywhere you look AND an entire house to decorate. Don't even get me started on the four live chickens in their downstairs bathroom. That's a whole other blog post. (All their stuff had to get thrown out cause of a series of unfortunate events, the first one being lead paint). Let's call her Lemony.
So we are working on the foyer.
As we drive home in bumper to bumper traffic she looks at me and says, "I don't know if this is to ambitious an idea, what with all the other projects I have going."
I try not to roll my eyes, "Tell me," I say, if for no other reason than to blog about it.
"Well, I was thinking of doing aura paintings for over the (haunted) fireplace of Juno and Dozer (her dogs that have gone to the other side).
"Wait! Don't say anything else til I find a pen and paper."
Aura paintings of her dead dogs. YES! YES! YES!

Keeps Getting Smaller

2009-04-08T22:39:00.008-04:00

The world, right? It seems so big when you look at maps, or the globe or read history books. But when you sit down at your computer everything just keeps shrinking. You can have friends from all over the world. Friends that you didn't meet when you were a student abroad, not friends that you met on Holiday. Friends that you've probably never seen. Honestly though, some of them seem like I've known them for long periods of time. It's so weird, right?

Not only new friends that you "hang" with. Old old friends. Some that perhaps you kind of forgot they ever even existed. Until they "friended" you on facebook that is. Or until you "friended" them after you saw them on someone else's friend list. It's so crazy. People just come out of the woodwork.

And the best part is the friends that you have always stayed connected to but live far away. When we were kids it would have been a phone call every few months or so, or an actual letter. This is crazy, stay with me, but when I was I kid I got out my Hello Kitty stationary and wrote stuff down with a writing implement. It's so weird. I can't even imagine it now. I have a whole box of letters from summer friends and summer camp and summer boyfriends from 9th grade on professing their undying love that were hand written. The only proof of them sits in my basement. Not on the internet for anyone to hack into. What was my point? Oh yes, so I can correspond with my best friend who lives across the ocean and through the woods and with a 7 hour time difference every single day. I know exactly what is going on in her life at all times. Probably better than I know what my friends around here are doing. Because of the internet.

So last night my world got a little bit smaller again. I got to meet IRL (that's In Real Life for those of you who don't know :)) some of my internet friends. All photographers. I just got lucky enough to stumble upon their path cause of one of my bestest college friends, photographer extraordinaire Jami. I started on Flickr to keep in touch with her and our own personal President, Kathy. Then I "met" some others who I just loved. We all met last night in my town and hung out. It was so much fun. There were accents and jokes and some fabulous hosting abilities by the most insanely awesome Ralph. If it wasn't for those pesky predators and my eleven year old IM-ing into all hours of the night (which I stopped) I would totally love the internet. Now I just kind of love it cause of those little details.

Q & A

2009-04-07T11:14:00.003-04:00

I have a question and an answer for you today. Now the question is not a riddle like it might sound. It is a valid question that I need an answer to.
What is it called when a gay man has a crush on a woman?
A full blown, act like a school boy, perma grin crush? I witnessed this first hand last night when I was out with my brother. It was so cute. She is a bartender in a restaurant he likes to hang at in Chelsea. He was so excited to go in and see if she was there. When we were on the sidewalk he saw she was behind the bar and I swear to God I watched him go from a grown man to a 13 year old kid in a matter of seconds. I'm going to tell you what, she was super cool, if I was a gay guy I'd probably have a crush on her too. For real. We hit it right off, we chatted and talked and talked, we had one more cocktail than expected. We talked yoga and the laws of attraction, facebook, life, you name it we touched on it. At one point my brother said, " Amy, I'm about to go all Tonya Harding on your ass if you don't shut up." Whoops.
Food for thought.

The answer.
What do you do when you are out in public with your kids and they start to fight?
You bark like a dog. This comes directly from Marc. He called me today and told me he figured it out. Saige and Chase are 15 months apart. They have a tendency to bicker. He said though, if they start to do this you simply start barking at them. They get so embarrassed that they shut up right away. If you are in the car and they start to fight you just roll down the window and bark at the driver next to you. After a while all you have to do is growl at them and they straighten up in seconds. I'm sorry, I think this is genius. There is no begging, no threats, no tears of despair. Just act like a dog. Kids are so quickly humiliated. Brilliant. You can thank him.

Countess, Duchess? Whichever...

2009-03-31T23:03:00.006-04:00

I know this is no where near the designated 24 hour alloted period of the "Crazy But the Cool Kind" time. I try so hard to stick by this so I can follow along with my fellow human race. Because if there is one thing I strive for (and my nearest and dearest) can totally attest to this, is the thing I work hardest for is to appear "normal." Really, it's what I care most about. What others think. Not.
You know who else doesn't?
Those crazy ass "housewives" or what ever they are of NYC. Straight up whack. I'm sorry, I need to throw this out there but is Kelly on some sort of new narcotic that hasn't been released to the public yet? Seriously? First of all, I think I missed the first couple episodes but who is she anyway? Is she someone famous that I don't know? Should I be reading some early morning celebrity website to figure this out (yes I'm talking to you). I don't get it. Sure, she's pretty, in that maybe/maybe not a transvestite sort of way but other than that, who is she?
For those of you whose dogs don't watch RH of NYC you might want to skip this and read my enlightening "I'm Itchy," post found below. BUT...for those of you who do, let's chat. Kelly-yay or nay? What about when she said that child having arthritis was "cute." Um...okay Missy, let's quit while you're not ahead. You don't need to go from there to inviting Bethany out and acting a fool too. Or is it a pre sweeps things? Maybe it's just a hook?
I don't get it though. For real. What was our newest character, Kelly trying to say at her meeting with Bethany? She said a couple things but nothing completely made sense except for the fact she just didn't like her. Oh well. As I stated in the previous post, I am itchy, perhaps if I could find out what she is on I could bypass that and go straight to kooky. I think that's better than itchy but I'm not positive... Honestly though, didn't she seem a wee bit out of it as she was stumbling over her answers. Bethany totally won that little cat fight. If there were t-shirts I think "Team Bethany" would be the big seller.

And as much as I think I have said enough already, there's Simon. Oh for Christmas sake, Simon. I don't like to give any category a bad name, but hello serial killer. He is just one basement dungeon away from a thriller. I'm just sayin'. Wouldn't it be so crazy if he was pulling it off while taping a tv show? God! What idiots those producers would look like. I think I visibly cringed last week when he and that odd wife were at a clothing store and he gestured AND said on national tv, "So, the hem sits right below your breasts." Simon! Please! Stop it, you're crazy and weird and you make my skin crawl. Ramona with the eyes is right, you're creepy.

I don't need to start in on Ramona. She's kinda jumpy but at least she's honest. Honest in a crazed out for blood type of way, but she doesn't like Simon so she's got something going for her. She is "nice" though. Okay, Ramona, let's just go with that.

I think I should just leave it that. Am I the only who, I mean, whose dog, watches this?

The Beatles

2009-03-31T14:24:00.009-04:00

"I'm so tired, I haven't slept a wink
I'm so tired, my mind is on the blink
I wonder should I get up and fix myself a drink
No no no." (Well, maybe...)

Whenever I am tired this is what plays over and over in my head. Again and again. And I am tired all right. So tired, I haven't slept a wink. Okay, well to be honest, last night I slept a little better than usual. It's been a couple weeks.
I'm on steroids.
Yes, to bulk myself up. I'm going to be in a weight lifting competition and I need an edge. I'm not that big you know.

I have an allergy of sorts. It sucks. It makes me itchy. I don't know what it's from. I'm not using new detergent or soap or shampoo or anything. My doctor called it idio something or other because the proverbial "they" might not ever figure out exactly what's causing it. I guess "they're" idiots. Cool. Next I'm off to the Allergist. I'm hoping for lots of needles. That sounds like fun. Almost as much fun as going halfway to insane on no sleep and steroids while itching away through the night.
My neck itches right now.
Maybe an acupuncturist. Maybe at tattoo artist. Maybe whoever can make it stop. Suggestions? Bueller, Bueller?
Mark B. are you enjoying this nonsense? Let's see... would we rather read about Mickey getting smacked upside the head "Cesar style," or me and my itching? It's a toss up. Both are fun subjects. Both have something of importance to offer the world.
Not as much as Lora and her 3 degrees of separation from Kevin Bacon. This was a good one. You should go read that. It's much more interesting than my skin disorder.
I think I should take those Beatles advice now. :)

Actually THIS is really cool. Go check it out. For real. You'll like it. You! I am talking to YOU! Not you, you. :) Some seriously cool pictures of the world...not my dog Mickey.

What Was Mickey Thinking?

2009-03-30T20:28:00.004-04:00

This is from my brother Mark.

Mickey understands a lot more than he lets on.
What? Did Lori think he was stupid enough to prove in front of you that he could be trained? That dog knows exactly what he was doing.
The little bubble above his head would read, "Nice girl, that Lori, but if she thinks I'm giving up this gig to prove she's got some power over me, she's the one who needs to be trained. I'll teach her just like I teach every other misguided human who tries to control me.
I know they all think I'm crazy, but who recently got a new stuffed toy to do his 'special' dance with in front of company? Who gets that idiot city slicker from New York to feed him a thousand treats every time he visits? Who tears the trash can apart only to have Amy blame the much bigger, not-so-bright dog? Who humps the furniture at night when no one is awake so I don't get caught?
The way I see it, I get to eat, dance, play with new toys, have sex with the furniture, wreak havoc and not get caught.
Why the hell would I let some copycat dog whisperer take that all away from me? Next time she hits me upside the head, I'm going to play dog whisperer myself and get that bigger mut to nip old Lori in the rear. Think I can't do it? That dog will do anything I say if I whisper it in the right way. Just ask the neighborhood kids that used to tease me. We don't see them around here anymore, do we? That's right. Their blood is on my crazy little paws. Now, wouldn't you be doing a 'special' dance if you had it THIS good? Woof, woof, arf, arf, shake my groove thing, over and out."

And this my friends is why I love my brother. Come on. Who does this? LOVE YOU. Thanks for the blog post.

"I'm Right, Right?"

2009-03-29T09:47:00.007-04:00

SERIOUSLY YOU GUYS STOP LAUGHING!!!

This was all we heard as Ashley and I were clutching our stomachs rolling on the ground in hysterics as our fiery friend Lori was showing us how she has many of the same qualities as the dog whisperer. Now, let's not bother with the fact that she doesn't have a dog. She has a tv, she's Mexican and she's seen Cesar, she knows what going on.

It was Saturday night and my house was full of kids (doing God's knows what) and dogs running the joint. Ashley, Lori and I were in the living room chatting. The kids were going up and down the stairs, in and out the door, at one point Lori smelled something burning. Luckily it was only two little plastic toys Chase and his friend melted together. Lucy was searching for food and Mickey was dancing with his new baby. Lori asked me, "Do you discipline these dogs?" I just smiled at Ashley. She looked at me and laughed.
Lori says, "What? What's funny?"
"Nothing," I say as Mickey does a "special" dance with his new stuffed toy.
"Mickey, stop doing that dance in front of company." I say.
"He does NOT understand a word you're saying, you know that right? I'm right. Have you ever watched Cesar Milan?" Lori says.
Ashley and I laugh.
"He understands this," I say. Then I begin to babble incoherently to him. Just to annoy her.
"Watch me!" she instructs. "I can get him to do anything with out saying a word. It's all hand signals." Then she starts gesturing at him. He jumps up on the couch next to me with a questioning look. I keep quiet. I know what's good for me. She can't get his attention with her signals so she slaps him in the side of the head. (not hard) Still, I grab him on my lap as Ashley and I almost go into convulsions of laughter. She really has Cesar down pat. He's always slapping dogs upside the head on that show. She is not going to stop though, "Put him down! He'll listen." ( I thought the point was him not listening, but whatever) at this point he growled at her and bared his baby teeth. Ashley fell off her chair.
"What? What's so funny. I'm right! I'm right!."
Mickey sits down on the floor.
"Sit! Sit!" she demands.
"He is sitting." I say. "I don't get it."
She starts clucking at him.
Ashley thinks she has done some sort of physical damage to her lung by laughing.
Lori tells me to get my other dog (the skittish German Shepherd) in here. She's going to train her. "Listen, I don't need a law suit ." I say.
Now I love Lori but I think if Cesar knew what was going on he might smack her in the side of the head and with a law suit all in one fell swoop.

Did You Know?

2009-03-26T11:34:00.002-04:00

If You Want It...

2009-03-25T19:52:00.005-04:00

You better ask.

Seriously, ask for it. Ask God, as the Universe, ask Ra, ask whomever it is you ask for things, but ask. Ask a lot. Ask twice on Tuesdays. If you want it, put it out there. It's such a simple concept, right? Like The Secret. Like things you know already. Things that have been stuck in your head for years. The thing is, sometimes it needs to be brought to your attention. You might need a reminder. You might have gotten tripped up in life. Caught in the shuffle. Brought down by this shitty economy. Maybe it's not completely directly affecting you, I don't see how, in some way it must. People around you have lost their jobs. Stores are closing. People are just walking away from their homes. It's insane. The collective "we" have never seen this before. Most of us were probably brought up in the high times. You asked, you got. And if you didn't, you know you're kids are, because we are the generation that wants them to have EVERYTHING we didn't have. Even if it was that $120 pair of sneakers that we didn't deserve in the first place.
So where does that leave us now? Now that times are tough? Now that you might actually think about which grocery store you are going to. Maybe not buy everything that catches our eye. Vacations are cut. Out to dinner is thought about twice. Coupons are used. So many tiny things change. But change is a double edge sword, right? It can be bad. It can be hard when things aren't the same as they used to be. It can also be good, because with change brings learning. Learning to do things in a new way. And maybe, just maybe, it might be a better way. Cause you know, I am always, forever, looking for that silver lining. If I wasn't, I don't know what the hell I would do with myself half the time.
What was I talking about? Oh, yes. Ask. That's all, if you want it. Just ask for it. It's so simple. It's an idea that you feel inside yourself. You formulate it, believe it, than put it out there for someone or something else to grab on to to. Like that movie, you all know what I'm talking about, "If you build it, they will come."
And then you need to believe. Well, that's what I do. I can only speak for myself. :)

Calling All My Angels

2009-03-24T17:32:00.007-04:00

So yesterday's post was a song list. People ask me for these all the time. I make you CD's, I post new music, music that I spend an inordinate amount of time searching for, listening to, music that my wonderful friends share with me. Music that means a lot to me. What do I get? Nothing. Well, Mark had something to say and awesome Simple Answer chimed in. The rest of you. Nada. Luckily, although usually Lori and Ashley can't be bothered to comment they will come to my house and play with me. Like we're kids. Well, not really. I clean stuff, they chat. That's Ashley, she plays facebook and entertains me, she shaves Mickey and poses in silly positions for me to take her picture. She makes me laugh when I feel like ... not laughing. And Lori, she comes with a bag of groceries. She cooks dinner and then cleans up my kitchen. Way better than I do. Friends rock it out.

So from yesterdays post. I listed a song called Angel. I love this song, it is making this morning's class playlist. Do you hear that Asude? You're going to miss it. :( It's kinda simple but really sweet. These are some of the lyrics. This is what I think of my friends.

Calling all my angel
to rescue me
Calling all my angels
no time to be strangers.

Clouds are falling down.
Floating to the ground
Dreams are falling
like broken rainbows

Anything for you
Anything at all
Nothing is to big
Nothing is to small

I would move a mountain
to catch you when you fall
Anything for you
Anything at all

I would do anything for you

Calling all my angels.

Old, New, Borrowed, Blue...

2009-03-23T22:14:00.008-04:00

Angel-Goat
Darkside of the Moon- Jessica Sonner
Crazy Train-Carbon Leaf
I Got You- Split Enz
Love Is the Drug- Roxy Music
Soft Serve- Soul Coughing
This is the Day- The The
How Am I To Be-The Watson Twins
Fall In A River- Badly Drawn Boy
Speak Like A Child- Style Council
I'm Not Who I Was-Brandon Heath
I'm Amazed-My Morning Jacket
Won't You Take Me Home-Peter's Cathedral
Time After Time-Quietdrive
We Danced Together- The Rakes
Portions for Foxes- Rilo Kiley
Fairytale-Sara Barielles
I'm Not There- Sonic Youth
Breathe- Frou Frou
I Believe In Love- The Storys

Thirty Nine?

2009-03-22T21:24:00.013-04:00

Forty eight hours can seem a lot longer at times. Don't you think? Sometime, so much goes on that when it's finally Sunday night and you're sitting down for the first time you can't believe it's only been two days.

There is a question that came to mind quite a few times this weekend.
What does it mean to be 39?

Thirty Nine. Why is that number so important? Why is any number important? You could be twenty two and angry and mean and unhealthy. Is that better than being a thirty nine, just because it's twenty two? Is it because it seems thirty nine leads into forty which could possibly be half your life? What the hell is it with this age? Or is it forty that's the bad one? I can never remember. I have to tell you, I was kind of an idiot in my twenties. Well, for a lot of them. I think at least. A lot of it is very foggy. I know for a fact I was much more insecure. I was definitely more scared of things. I didn't know myself nearly as well. Yes, my skin might have been a little tighter. My worries weren't nearly as strong but I'm stronger now mentally and physically than I ever was then. I think that has something to do with years passing and being aware that years are passing. Trying to be smarter. Smarter in '09 right Asude? In your twenties you can be lazy, things seem easier. But good is never easy right? If it's worth having, it's worth working for. I mean if you're Albert Einstein or that model Gisele, perhaps it is easy. For people not given specific overwhelming genetic gifts, we need to work a little harder. That's okay. Right? Right Twist?

I think the twenties are totally overrated (that is coming from a thirty nine year old). I think forty is where it's at now. I'm going to tell you why.

Ashley's thirty nine and I'm pretty sure she got grounded last night. It was kinda scary. Grandma Vicki was seriously pissed off. She even went so far as to leave a message on my answering machine because Ashley wouldn't answer her cell phone. You know why she wouldn't answer? Um, it was Saturday night and we were partying with our best friend forever's (who lives in Florida) brother. We hadn't seen him in a long time. He was playing the juke box for us, from Roxy Music to Nine Inch Nails. It was a whole lotta fun. Ashley, in her advanced thirty nine years decided to turn off her cell phone and be present in the here and now, oh, and the Yueng Ling. Is that how you spell it? So sue her. But please, don't call me. I had to go home to sleep, cause I'm thirty nine and today I ran a 5k with 1500 people and came in 84th. 3rd for my age group. 12th in the women. 7 of those were in their twenties. Maybe the twenties are better. Not. Almost forty is where it's at. :)
This is for you Heather. This was all I had kinda fit to print. Feel better.

With Great Love In My Heart

2009-03-19T23:06:00.009-04:00

I gotta tell you, this is one of my favorite sayings. Only really Twist could understand why. They used to say it in Yoga school. I might have talked about this before, long ago, no one remembers, but Twist and I did a little stint in Yoga school up in Chelsea in NYC. We went every weekend for 14 weekends. It was hard on our husbands, working and having smaller children but somehow we all made it through. Twist and I were a little older than most of them. We were also a little more jaded. If you can believe that. All New Yorkers and the two mom's from the suburbs of Philly were the biggest a -holes. You know Twist, I say that with only Great Love In My Heart.
I think "great love in my heart," is the same thing as when Southerners say, "Bless your heart," could I be right Lula? All our New York counter parts would say it when they were saying something that wasn't all that kind. It became one of (the many) favorite tag lines that came out of our whole experience. Because I'm going to tell you what, I laughed my ass off every weekend for three months with Twist. I still laugh when I think about it.

So... with great love in my heart, I am going to tell you something. You all probably know this, but it's what I've got tonight. When things seem at there most difficult, when your "moment of grace," is not quite staring you in the face, when the weather seems Spring and then Winter in one fell swoop, when your dog smells like a skunk, when you can't quite believe what you know, when any number of things that might bring the room down happen, all I have to do, even if it's for a second is think of things that I can tag line, "With great love in my heart," and I will laugh. I will get the hugest smile on my face and think back to that yoga room for 8 hour stretches looking into the very twinkly eyes of my true friend and just smile. Because a true friend is worth more than anything I could ever dream up.

A Brand New Day

2009-03-19T07:25:00.004-04:00

24 Hours. Actually, Chris, it's been more than that on here. Ruh ro.
So, what can happen in 24 hours? A lot, right? Right Twist? Right? Right? How many times can I put the word right with a question mark in 24 hours? Maybe as many jelly beans as are in the jar. It'll be a contest. The winner will receive total consciousness when they die. Not from me of course. I hope the winner belongs to a religion that can extend that kind of grace. If not, your just outta luck with a whole lot of useless knowledge.

You know, the kind they teach at school these days. I'm sorry, it's stupid. Do you know yesterday I got an e mail saying they were thinking of removing the Science teacher from the school. They already did away with learning Spanish and both the Art and Music teacher make the kids cry. Good times. Seriously! Stop wasting time teaching them Math they can do on a calculator and start teaching them about the world. More languages, Foreign affairs. About life. It's just not the same world as it was when we were kids. There are computers. Information is at their fingertips literally (with handhelds) at any given moment. Why on earth are they still learning things that they are never going to use? You know how I know they are never going to use it? Because when they bring home their homework, sometimes I don't know what it means. Cause it's stupid. :)

I'm not teacher. Oh yes I am. I forgot. I teach yoga. That's important. They should teach yoga in school. Teach these kids how to breathe correctly. Teach them how to speak Chinese. Teach them something they are going to use. And don't for Gods sake don't get rid of the only useful subjects they have.

I will give them a thumbs up for teaching them how to read. Well done. Right?

What the hell is the name of this post? Oh, A Brand New Day, maybe I should change that because I never got to the point I was trying to make. It should be titled, "I don't want to home school Twist, but this is kinda beat."

Don't suggest private school to me either. We pay taxes. Make me happy. Oh wait, Asude, is this not all about me? :)